Season Five was launched with "The Perfect Game," the final conflict with the Borg Collective. A few months later, the Croutons are still picking up the pieces when a new threat arises...
On the maiden voyage of the James T. Kirk-class Heisenberg-B, Kabeta and crew encounter an alien predator...
yaz
...a stealer of soles...
With a foot fetish...
[Kabeta is tied to a table, somewhere deep in the ship's computer core. The Sole Hunter (portrayed by Whitey Herzog) stands ominously over her.]
Sole Hunter
I can rip the soles right from your shoes! But it might damage them...and we can't have that.
What is his problem?
Sole Hunter
You would walk around in your shoes, treading on those precious soles, wearing them thin... They must be preserved, to be enjoyed in pristine condition! And no, cleats won't help. I won't let you damage these soles, nor will I let you keep them from me!
Sole Hunter #2 (George Steinbrenner)
The rest of us would just go out and buy the latest styles, but he's too cheap.
Kleber
Just how far would he go in his pursuit of soles?
[Shot of the Heisenberg-B crashing into the seventh moon of Planet Reebok.]
Bradford
You deleted it again?!?
Kabeta
But--but--but it's not my fault!
On the next perverted, er, I mean, exciting episode of STAR TREK: THE CROUTON GENERATION!
Captain Crouton turns out to be alive after all.
Soraya
Chris, you're alive!
But how long can it last?
Missy
How are you feeling?
Crouton
Oh, I could just kill myself. Sigh
Admiral Avenger returns and reveals that he is not so mysterious as he claims to be.
Admiral
Geez, guys. Didn't you read my contract? Right there, it says actor. A-C-T-O-R. And you bought that crap about the 20th Century and everything? Sheesh! People think I'm gullible.
Kabeta gets through a day without spraining her ankle.
Kabeta (hands on hips, to camera)
Excuse me?
The lights stay on for Missy for an entire episode!
Missy (hands on hips, to camera)
What?
Soraya finds her keys.
Soraya (to camera)
That joke is four years old. Get with the program.
Patrick Stewart makes a special appearance as Jean-Luc Picard.
Crossfire
But...but...I was at your funeral.
Picard
Since when did death mean anything on Star Trek?
Cindy Crawford leaves Richard Gere for RAM. Sharon Stone, Claudia Schiffer and Winona Ryder are heartbroken.
Cindy (hanging all over RAM)
Ooooh, Richard!
Aedoni, the Admiral and Crossfire willingly work on electronics labs for Professor Love.
Aedoni
I love this stuff!
Admiral
I am having so much fun! I could do this for a career!
Crossfire
See? I told you so.
The Kunz gives an exam...and it actually is easy.
Admiral
No way!
Crossfire
Way!
Zortylwankoid delivers a somber and pleasantly paced Introduction to the Local Group Wide Web...and everybody enjoys it thoroughly!
Everybody
Cool!
Missy finally learns Unix and VI and swears never to touch VMS again.
Missy
(with pom-poms and a little cheerleader outfit with the letters "V" and "I" stitched on it, cheering)
I love Unix! I love VI! I'm on an Ethernet computer high! Yay!
Dave Quixote returns from the dead and converts to Zen Buddhism.
Quixote
Hey, what can I say? After Haiti, you'd be seeking Nirvana too.Eliana converts to Islam.
There is only one true God...but His name is Allah!Euge Yee signs on as Tonya Harding's coach for the 1996 Olympics.
Hey, you've got to go with a winner.Euge's brother is actually nice to him for a change.
I love you, you bastard!
[Hugs Euge tenderly]Wayne Gretzky retires from the Crouton Generation and the NHL...to audition for the new Amblin Doctor Who series!
Lt. G. O'Forever fails to notice the glaringly obvious.
O'Forever
Did you get your hair cut?Kabeta (wearing a Raymond Luxury-Yacht nose)
No.O'Forever
Oh. New uniform?Kabeta
No.[yaz and Furd stifle giggles]
O'Forever
Well there's something different about you, but I can't place it.
Captain Chow rejects baseball for reruns of "Three's Company".
[Chi's Cubs hat is in the trash. He's in front of the TV.]
Karen
Come on, Steve. I've got home plate tickets for the Giants game. (waves tickets provocatively)
Chi An
Naah. (belly laughs)
Kerri Russell leaves the Crouton Generation and her half japanese persona behind and joins the Green Berets.
Kerri
I love doing push-ups!
"Boom-Boom" appears in more than one episode in a year.
Boom-Boom (to camera)
What kind of drugs are you on anyway?
The new President of Paramount (Judith Albino) cancels Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Generations (the new motion picture) and plans for Star Trek: Voyager. After allowing Warner Bros. to buy out Paramount, Albino apologizes profusely to J. Michael Straczynski in a nationally televised press conference carried by NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, C-SPAN, Court TV, the Home Shopping Network, MTV and Comedy Central.
Albino
We'd like to apologize for any inconvenience to the Great Maker and hope that Babylon 5 is the most successful television program ever.
We interrupt this episode of Star Trek: The Crouton Generation to bring you this special report from the White House.
Wolf Blitzer
In a surprising move today, Bill Clinton succumbed to pressure from the Whitewater scandal and resigned effective immediately. In a few moments, Al Gore will be sworn as the new President of the United States. He reportedly has chosen his 1992 opponent, J. Danforth Quayle, to return to the post of Vice-President. Chelsea and Socks Clinton will apparently remain in the White House in official capacities while Bill and Hillary "escape to the Bahamas".
We now return to our program already in progress...
Richard Arnold
I'm sorry, but that won't be possible. Due to lagging ratings and a lack of cash inflow, Star Trek: The Crouton Generation has been cancelled. Permanently.
[Camera holds on Arnold for a few seconds more.]
I mean it. Go home.
[The Croutons turn away from Arnold's posh desk resignedly.]
Kabeta
Oh well. There's always that job at the Holiday Inn...
Be seeing you!