Star Trek: The Crouton Generation
Fifth Season Writer's "Bible"
Subjects
- The Federation Council
- Star Fleet Command
- Salad-class starship crews
- USS Croutonprize
- USS Heisenberg
- USS Chivalier
- USS Fearless
- James T. Kirk-class starship crews
- USS Subaru
- USS Melbourne
- USS Volvo
- Other Star Fleet vessels and their crews
- USS Comatose
- Ian Fleming-class Vessels
- USS Mongol
- USS Terry Nation
- Federation allies
- The Romulan Republic
- The Klingon Empire
- And the rest
- Common Villains
- The Kunz Continuum
- The Hidden Valley Ranch Empire
THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS
Characters are assumed Terran unless otherwise noted.
Governing body of the United Federation of Planets
President Angelique Mombi (Jacqueline Pearce)
- Ambassador Kennedy (Katharine Hepburn) of Earth
- Ambassador Torv (Danny Devito), Tellarite
- Star Fleet Commander: Admiral Jake Sisko (Laurence Fishburne)
- LMC Exploration Commander: Adm. Data (Brent Spiner), Soongian Android
- LMC Vice-Commander: VAdm. Mark Bradford (Mark Bradford)
USS CROUTONPRIZE, SALAD-class,
NCC-1741-C
1st Salad-class starship (Star Fleet flagship)
- Crew: 2031
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.9
- Ship's Motto:
- "Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a
Crouton always stays crunchy."
- Major Characters
- Captain Soraya Ghiasi (Soraya Ghiasi)
- First Officer: Cdr. Crossfire (Jon Reid)
- Second Officer, Chief Science Officer: LCdr. Susan Parker (Susan Parker)
- Computer Officer: LCdr. Zortylwankoid (Chris Hassell), Yoyoboqian
- Chief Engineer: LCdr. Rhee Savan (Adrienne Kantor)
- Security Chief: Jez the Wonder Cat (Jez), Feline
- Chief Medical Officer: Dr. (LCdr.) Icefalcon (Kevin Lindauer)
- Counselor & Asst. Medical Officer: Dr. (Lt.) Hoo (David Yeh)
- Con Officer: Lt. Longshot (Randy Ray)
- Ops Officer: Lt. Raptor (Jeff Goldblum), Alpha Centauran
- Science Officer, Ice Cream Man: Lt. JG Dave Kindig (Dave Kindig)
- Computer: Zen (Jon Reid) [ Zen's voice was recorded by Ens. Crossfire. ]
- Soraya's Psycho Kitty: Pandora
- Rhee's Dizzy Kitty: Prancer
- Crossfire's Dog: A.J.
- Shuttlecraft:
- 01 Fork
- 02 Spoon
- 03 Knife
- 04 Ladle
- 05 Gravy
- 06 Pepto Bismol
- 07 Maalox
- 08 Metamucil
- 09 Spork
- 10 Crash (named for Ens. Bruce "Crash" Bockius)
- 11 Northwest Airlines
- 12 Blueshift
- USS
Heisenberg Who's Who
- History of the USS Heisenberg:
- Salad-class, NCC-75704 (3rd Salad-class, lost in phase
space in TCG5 "The Ship Who Sank", recovered in TCG5 "The Tip of the
Iceberg")
- Salad-class, NCC-75704-A (4th Salad-class, originally
to be named Jean-Luc Picard, destroyed in TCG5 "Spasms")
- James T. Kirk-class, NCC-75704-B (destroyed in TCG5 "Sole Hunter")
- Crew: 2029
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.9
- Ship's motto changes daily. The original was:
- "To the truly psionic mind, the body is just a husc."
- Major characters
- Fleet Captain Kabeta (Katherine Bryant), Xavionite of Royal Blood
- Second Officer, Chief Communications Officer, Speaker for the Dead:
LCdr. Michael Kleber (Michael Kleber)
- Security Chief, Ship's Barbarian: Lt. Thokk the Dismemberer (Angela Winner)
- Chief Science Officer: LCdr. yaz-pistachio (Josh Holden)
- Chief Engineer/Silly Support Officer: LCdr. Q. Torvald McDonagh (Tom
Donaghey), Rubrix Chickendi
- Chief Medical Officer: Dr. (LCdr.) Ruth Hertzman (Ruth Hertzman)
- Counselor: (LCdr.) Jiapa (Amy Chused)
- Xenologer: LCdr. Zenador (Nich Shectman)
- Computer Officer: LCdr. Edwin Aoki (Edwin Aoki)
- Con Officer, Ship's Obvious Officer: Lt. G. O'Forever (Ethan Gershon)
- Ops, Intelligence & Shredder/Gerbil: Lt. Kendragon (Kendra Willson)
- Visitor from an Alien Species: Matt Ender (Matt Ender)
- Croutonizer Chief: Lt. Iluvanna Lin-Elenuial (Nathaniel Bergson-Michelson)
[ Note: Iluvanna is also a Star Fleet Intelligence Officer. ]
- Speaker's Apprentice: Ananda (Natasha Bergson-Michelson)
- Recreation and Music Coordinator: Lt. erolaC Stoops (Carole Stoops)
- Computer: Pandora
- Shuttlecraft
- 01 Baby the Happy Honda
- 02 Carrot
- 03 Redundancy
- 04 Inconsistency
- 05 Idiocy
- 06 Condiment
- 07 Dunster
- 08 Garbanzo
- 09 Cheff's Allah'd
- 10 Crimson (painted red, of course)
- 11 Teabag
- 12 Buttercup
- 2nd Salad-class starship
- Crew: 2024
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.9
- Ship's motto: ""Everything in moderation, especially
self-restraint."
- Major characters
- Captain Chi An Steven "Roy" Chow (Chi An "Steve" Chow), Cubs fan
- First Officer: Cdr. Tim Larkin (Tim Larkin)
- Second Officer, Computer Officer: LCdr. Runaway Daemon (Ian Frechette)
- Con Officer, Film Critic: LCdr. Euge Yee (Euge Yee), Human/Bajoran
- Counselor, Chief Juggler: (LCdr.) John Tracy (John L. Tracy III)
- Chief Science Officer [and Cruise Director]: Lt. Aedoni ir-Dnassian
t'Rllaillieu (Despina Papasizis), Romulan
- Ship's Purser: Ensign Scribe (Jen Atkins)
- Ship's Minstrel & Ten Forward Hostess: Acting Ensign Ranaluin (Becky Leyon)
- Security Chief: Lt. Paul Janson (Jim Carrey)
- Chief Medical Officer: Dr. (LCdr.) Fox Wilder (Harrison Ford)
- Nurse: Bev Collins
- Computer: Harry (Harry Caray)
- Chi's Admiral Birds: Simon & Garfunkle (Simon Chow & Garfunkle Chow)
- Shuttlecraft:
- 01 Harry Caray
- 02 Ryne Sandberg
- 03 Wombat
- 04 Chicago
- 05 La Jolla
- 06 Robert Redford
- 07 Kevin Costner
- 08 Topjob
- 09 Red October
- 10 Stealth
- 11 Wild Thing
- 12 Rod Beck
- Crew: 1307
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.6
- Ship's motto: "Aishiteru kedo kekkon wa dekinai."
- Major characters
- Captain half japanese (Kerri Russell), species unknown
- First Officer, Cy Young Award Winner: Cdr. Jim Palmer (Jim Palmer)
- Second Officer, Chief Engineer: LCdr. Melissa Midzor
- Chief Science Officer: Lt. Jason Maron (Jason Maron), Melissa's
grad student
- Chief Medical Officer: Dr. (LCdr.) Wendy H. Ohmslaw (Louise Jameson)
- Croutonizer Chief: Lt. JG Yi (Brian Tochi)
- Ops Officer: Lt. Kessner (Eric Kessner)
- Con Officer: Ens. Practor (Alyssa Milano), Romulan
- Computer: Heian (?)
- hj's pet wolf: Skywise
- Missy's cats: Shenando (the Anti-Jez) & Kitten
- Shuttlecraft
- 01 Sashimi
- 02 Samurai
- 03 Sushi
- 04 Baka
- 05 Godzilla
- 06 Mothra
- Crew: 1303
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.6
- Ship's motto: "...(flirt, flirt)..."
- Major characters
- Captain Richard A. Muirden (Richard Muirden)
- First Officer: Cdr. David Fox (David Fox)
- Chief Lack-of-Intelligence Officer: Lt. bluejean (Teri Bidwell)
- Shapely Con Officer: Lt. Lily St. Cyr (Lily St. Cyr?)
- Chief Medical Officer: Dr. (LCdr.) Feelgood (Dr. Feelgood)
- Science Officer: Ens. Travis Maron (Travis Maron)
- Computer: Casanova
- Shuttlecraft:
- 01 Koala
- 02 Kangaroo
- 03 Platypus
- 04 Emu
- 05 Possum
- 06 Bunyip
- 07 Guppy
- Crew: 1309
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.6
- Major Characters
- Captain Karl "The Refrigerator" Bundy (Karl Bundy), Volvo fanatic, Sumo
wrestler, 2nd grade teacher
- First Officer: Cdr. John Heins (John Heins)
--> Will soon get his own command in "The Horde"
- Second Officer, Con, Monkeyboy: Lt. Cdr. Tom Youtz (Tom Youtz)
--> Will soon be promoted to Cdr. and first officer
- Counselor, Film Critic: (LCdr.) Wombat (Lisa Goodrich)
- Chief Engineer: LCdr. Gary Hren (Gary Hren)
- Security Chief: Lt. Max (Mel Gibson)
- Processed Meat Officer: Ens. SPAM (TM) (Spam Meyers)
(Note: Not allowed near the con position at any time)
- Computer: Ingrid
- Shuttlecraft:
- 01 Saab 9000
- 02 The Chuck Wagon
- 03 Devo
- 04 Green Eggs
- 05 Ham
- 06 Sumo
- 07 Franz Palmer
- 08 Banff
- Crew: 5 (Ought to be >900)
- Max. Warp: Jolt 9.7
- Ship's motto: "Mission? What mission?"
- Major characters
- Captain Larry "Boom-Boom" Loesch
- Counselor: (LCdr.) Neon
- Rellip (John Ratzenberger), Pakled
- Namreb (George Wendt), Pakled
- Yelruh (Chris Farley), Pakled
- Shuttlecraft
- 01 The Millenium Sweatsock
- 02 Juggernaut
- 03 Houston Chronicle
- 04 alt.sex.bondage
- 05 Winchell's
- 06 Jesse Helms
- 07 Pinche Joto
- 08 Dan Fielding
The USS Mongol and its crew will be introduced in "The Horde".
It's the first of a series of small heavily armed patrol craft
designed by a joint team of Federation, Klingon and Romulan engineers
to provide front-line defense in future alien invasions.
- Crew: 207
- Max. Warp: Jolt 11.0
- Ship's motto: "Veni, vidi, vici"
- Armaments and special effects
- 5 Phaser emitter arrays: port fore, starboard fore, port, starboard and 360 degree
- 2 Klingon disruptor banks: fore
- 1 Romulan heavy plasma torpedo: fore
- 2 Crouton torpedo tubes: fore and rear
- 1 Plasma Penetrating Round (PPR) tube: fore
- Sensor-reflecting shell and paint
- Romulan-style cloaking device
- EM field scrambler (brand new technology)
- The crew
- Captain "Genghis" John Heins (John Heins)
- First Officer Cdr. Larry Johnson (Larry Johnson)
[Has a split personality. The second personality is Security Chief.]
- Security Chief Grandmama (Larry Johnson)
- Chief Tactical Officer: Lt. JG Black Jack (Jack McDowell)
[Thinks he's a pirate. Dresses like one, eyepatch and all.]
- Head Gunner: Lt. JG Dargh chuch (Ice-T), Klingon
[Somewhat trigger-happy. Also writes Klingon rap music.]
- Plasma Goddess/Science Officer: Lt. JG t'hru leyaka (Winona Ryder),
Romulan
[ In charge of the plasma torpedo and cloaking device, as well as what
little need there is for a science officer on this vessel. ]
- Chief Engineer: Lt. Nick O'Tean (Denis Leary)
- Chief Medical Officer: Dr. (LCdr.) ??? (Eddie Vedder)
- Computer: Master (David Carradine)
[Preaches "The Art of War" by Sun-Tzu.]
- The remainder of the crew consists of:
- 30 engineers
- 10 medical/biosciences
- 10 physical sciences
- 10 social sciences
- 20 support personnel (including Croutonizers)
- 20 bridge personnel
- 100 security officers
- Phaser-armed Runabouts
- 01 Genghis
- 02 Kublai
- Shuttlecraft
- 03 Attila
- 04 Caligula
- 05 Hannibal
- 06 qorD
- Crew: ?
- Max. Warp: ?
- Ship's motto:
- Major characters
- Captain Wayne Gretzky (Wayne Gretzky)
- ???: Lt. Janet Jones Gretzky (Janet Jones)
- Gretzky's daughter: Joanna Gretzky (age 3, has Dove's syndrome)
- Computer: Orac (Peter Tuddenham)
- Shuttlecraft
- 01 Dalek
- 02 Blake
- 03 Avon
- 04 Vila
- 05 Cally
- 06 Servalan
Nostromo and Fearless were the early prototypes for what
eventually became the Salad-class. Because these two vessels
were rushed into completion for service in the Borg Dilemma, they never
had the chance to incorporate all of the modern technology that the
Salad-class utilizes, but in most situations, these ships are
just as capable.
- Captain Rene' Picard (Kevin Costner)
- Crew: 1-12
- Max. Warp: Jolt 10.5
- NCC-98471 USS Jenice Mannheim
- Originally assigned to Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
- Reassigned to Captain Chris P. Crouton upon Picard's death
- Reassigned to whomever is current captain of USS Croutonprize
upon Crouton's death
- Ship's motto: "This is truly another page of history, isn't
it? ... Turn the page."
- NCC-98472 USS Noonian Soong
- Assigned to Admiral Data
- Ship's motto: "To underestimate one's self is as much a departure
from the truth as to exaggerate one's own ability."
- NCC-98497 USS GreyFlame
- Assigned to VAdm Mark Bradford
- Ship's motto: "To err is human, to moo bovine."
After its crushing defeat at the hands of the Lucky Charms (see
TCG2's Lucky Charm Invasion mini-series), the crumbling
Romulan Republic sued for peace with the Federation, which finally
became a reality a year later (TCG3 The Crouton on the Edge of
Forever mini-series).
Romulan Government
- Praetor Tomalok (Andreas Katsulas), elected leader
- Ambassador Tremalor (Pierce Brosnan), ambassador to the Federation
RDF Ra'kholh, Di'direx'kada II-class Warbird
- Crew: 1875
- Max. Warp: Jolt. 9.0
- Captain: Commander Torbog (Michael Ironside)
The Klingon Empire remains much as it has throughout the last 60 years
or so (all the way back to the time of Star Trek: The Next Generation),
except that Emperor qeyboH (Arnold Schwarzeneggar), son of the clone of
qeylIS, has reunited the traditional title of Emperor with the throne of
real power at the head of the High Council.
Klingon Bird of Prey wilyum reyqIr
- Captain: Commander qey'rI (Gary Hren)
- Gunner: Lt. t'Qayle' [T'Kreila] (Lalla Ward), Klingon/Vulcan
sister of Star Fleet Admiral T'Lilith
BORG COLLECTIVE
Star Fleet does not expect to see the Borg again for a LONG time, but if
they do show up, we might expect to see:
- Ship JUNIORLAB - Speaker: Ridiculus [The Riddler] (Brian Ridley)
- Cube - Speaker: Sega [Tarkanian] (John Colicos)
- Cube - Speaker: Elucidator [Betty Talbot] (Diana Muldaur)
CARDASSIA
Looks like we have some room for development, don't we?
G235 "Junior Lab"
The Riddler's former assistant, the Evil Professor Love (Bill Love),
took control of the slave colony on G235 when the Riddler was
assimilated by the Borg.
THE LUCKY CHARMS
Hideous super-evolved termites that live in eight or more dimensions.
Spacecraft identified by similarity to Lucky Charms cereal marshmallows.
Holiday Lucky Charms are a special, strange variant that appear only in
episodes that take place in December. Intelligence reports that the
Lucky Charms may be changing, evolving again in a new direction. They
may take on new and stranger forms.
- The Kunz (P.D. Kunz): Senior member (now semi-retired)
- The Ashby (Neil Ashby): Mr. Relativity? Chair of the Continuum?
- A^2 B (Albert A. Bartlett): Population, Growth and Swivel Chairs
- Feldman (Prof. Feldman): Ivy League Physics
- K.T. (Kalyana T. Mahanthappa): Particulars of Crouton Physics
- The Tricia (Tricia Rankin): Parallel universe female analog of The Kunz
The HVR Government
- Triumver Bloocheez (Ed Begley, Jr.)
- Triumver Hugh Sane (Charlie Sheen)
- Triumver Mayonaze (Dave Learn never cast him, but I'm planning on
using Paul Hampton as Mayonaze in an upcoming episode)
- Ministress of Propaganda: Honey Dijon (Glenn Close)
(Note: Honey Dijon will be introduced soon, I hope.)
Some known ship classes
- 4-karum-bah, Crew: 1800, Max. Warp: Jolt 9.5
- K'om-pioo-tah, Crew: 1840, Max. Warp: Jolt 9.9
- Ki-torit-kah, Crew: 1600, Max. Warp: Jolt 9.1
- Ki-toram-buh, Crew: 1200, Max. Warp: Jolt 9.1
- Aye-karum-bah, Crew: 980, Max. Warp: Jolt 8.3
Return to the TCG Page
Be seeing you!
-- Michael "The Admiral" Zecca, starfury@eskimo.com