Talus Yor -- Ladies and gentlemen, beings of all races, welcome to another
event of Pandimensional Pandemonium,
brought to you as a collaboration by Pack Media Studios and the Duchy of Gamelin Games Commission! The crowd is
already gathered here in the All Worlds Arena for what is sure to be an unforgettable evening! And now, your hosts for
tonight’s festivities! Hailing from Avalon is none other than the one, the only, Robin “Puck” Goodfellow. And joining him
from the city of Thanis, stalwart adventurer Greyquin of Gnome Keep!
(cheers and applause)
Puck -- Thank you, Talus! Well, well, Greyquin, it’s good to see you.
Greyquin -- Good to be here, Puck! I think we’re in for one terrific show tonight, don’t you?
Puck -- Absolutely! These ladies have got what it takes, and they know how to use it!
Greyquin -- Good crowd. There must be 40,000 people in here.
Puck -- 40,000 men, my bristly-haired little friend. Not many of the fairer sex among them.
Greyquin -- Well, Puck, you can hardly blame them. I don’t know many
women who’d want to be sitting in the stands
with that many lust-crazed men.
Puck -- But those few who have shown up look as though they’re anticipating
a wild time! If you train your eyes courtside,
you’ll see an entire contingent from the Island of the Amazon Women ...
Greyquin -- And don’t forget the Talopeans, who are here in force tonight!
Puck -- How could anyone forget the Talopeans? If they went door-to-door
or passed out leaflets at the airport, it’d be a
Greyquin -- That flicker of the lights means we’re only five minutes
away from Round One, so let’s talk a little about the
match. Any predictions?
Puck -- Greyquin, I have to say ... as these two contenders face off,
take off, and get off in the ultimate competition of
woman against woman, everyone’s a winner!
Greyquin -- Most of all, those lucky men who were randomly chosen as participants!
Puck -- You’re telling me! Over sixty million applications poured in
from both dimensions, and let me tell you, the president
of Pack Media Studios and his grace the Duke of Gamelin are exceptionally pleased by the turnout!
Greyquin -- No wonder, Puck ... each of those applications included a fifty dollar-or-mark registration fee!
Puck -- I do believe our referees are about to enter the ring. Now,
Greyquin, you know what a tough time we had finding
refs for this match!
Greyquin -- We certainly did! Not that we lacked for offers --
Puck -- But finding people who could be impartial and objective and
unaffected wasn’t easy! But here they are ... a distant
relative of mine, T.J. Lawton of Joshua Flats, California ...
Greyquin -- And Thanis’ own Lord High Librarian, Arien Mirida!
Puck -- Interesting choices. I know T.J. isn’t likely to be swayed, but what can you tell us about Arien?
Greyquin -- I wouldn’t be worried. Arien is a paragon of self-control.
Besides, neither of our contenders are his type. What
about T.J., though? He looks a little nervous.
Puck -- Second thoughts, I’m sure. Being here wasn’t his idea, but Fox and Birdie talked him into it.
(hoots, whistles, catcalls, howls)
Greyquin -- Judging by the noise of the crowd, I believe our ladies of lust are about to enter the ring!
Puck -- Right you are, Greyquin! In the blue corner, wearing the gold
sequined bra and harem pants, that marvel of mechanical
magnificence, the delectable Godiva!!!
(thunderous cheers and applause)
Greyquin -- And in the red corner, sumptuously wrapped in a ruby silk
robe with who-knows-what underneath, Sybil Narrin,
priestess of Talopea!!!
(more thunderous cheers and applause)
Puck -- Godiva is a fascinating creature, I must say. Originally created
as an android exotic dancer to entertain at a gargoyle
bachelor party, she is packed with lifelike details from her six feet of blond hair to the tip of her indigo tail. Not only does she have
her own internal sound system, not only is she programmed with every alluring dance known to her home dimension, but she also
comes with an optional pheromone dispersal unit, as if she needed an extra edge to drive men crazy!
Greyquin -- I understand she’s being controlled by a human? Can you tell us more about that?
Puck -- It’s a long story, Greyquin, but to sum up, the mind and soul
of a woman named Sabra Indrani now inhabits the Godiva
frame, and has no intention of leaving. Who can blame her?
Greyquin -- She certainly has captivated the crowd!
Puck -- Well, she is what we like to call the ultimate Erector Set.
Greyquin -- I’m afraid Sybil has to rely on what nature and Talopea
provided. She grew up the daughter of a minorly noble Thanian
family, devout Galatinites --
Puck -- Galatine, god of Monday night television?
Greyquin -- What?
Puck -- Law and Order.
Greyquin -- Uh ... anyway, one day Sybil wandered past the Talopean
temple during their Spring Festival, and knew then and there
that she’d found her life’s calling. As a priestess of the Nahle Dahlia, Sybil can call upon Talopea for many benefits and interventions,
and I’m sure she plans to do so tonight.
Puck -- And there goes the robe! Oberon preserve us!
Greyquin -- Oh, that’s the style of tunic usually worn when a Talopean is invited to the High Priestess’ inner sanctum.
Puck -- What’s it made of? Single-ply tissue?
Greyquin -- According to my notes, it’s woven from the silk of the Southern Isles sheer-spider.
Puck -- Those spiders don’t spin much silk, I take it.
Greyquin -- So, on the one hand, we have Godiva, augmented by everything
science has to offer, and on the other hand, Sybil,
with the power of Talopea behind her.
Puck -- That’s right, Greyquin, so it ought to be an interesting match.
Greyquin -- It looks like Arien’s about to get things started.
Arien Mirida -- Good ladies, welcome and well met. You’ve both been
appraised of the rules and have agreed to abide by them. In
a matter of moments, the first round will begin. In this round, your partners will be seated here and here, and you shall each have three
minutes to ... arouse your partner to a state of crisis, without touching him.
Puck -- Without touching ... I’m sure our volunteers are going to be disappointed by that, Greyquin!
Greyquin -- I doubt it, Puck ... remember, they’ll still be right there
in the ring with Godiva and Sybil. I know plenty of men who’d
kill to be in their shoes!
Puck -- Aha, and here’s the ring-boy to get us underway ...
Greyquin -- Excuse me, Puck, but isn’t that Jericho? He doesn’t look very happy to be here.
Puck -- Would you, if you had to parade around holding up a big sign
reading Round One, wearing nothing but a studded black
leather chastity belt? Which is, might I add, the only way his mother would agree to let him take part.
Greyquin -- Well, he’s certainly having an effect on our contenders! I think they might have to be physically restrained!
Puck -- You’re right, here come the heads of security team now to encourage
the ladies back to their respective corners. But it looks
like commanders Alphonse Bugbedead and Elisa Maza have everything under control.
Greyquin -- They’re bringing the first-round volunteers into the ring now. Who do we have out there, Puck?
Puck -- (shuffling papers) Round One ... we have Calidar of the
Thanis Nightsiders, and ... ho-ho, Brendan Vandermere of Manhattan!
As it happens, his ex-wife Margot is leading a feminist Quarryman rally outside to protest this whole event! That ought to be interesting!
Greyquin -- Brooklyn and Stryker are strapping the volunteers into their
chairs, a precaution to make sure they don’t lose control and
try to grab our contenders.
Arien -- All participants please remember, any physical touching results
in the disqualification of the male volunteer, and costs the lady in
question ten points from her final score.
Puck -- Our panel of judges tonight includes Fox Xanatos, the High Priestess
of Talopea, Manhattan crime boss Tony Dracon, One-Eye
of the Nightsiders, Thanian Highlord Duncan Farleigh, Scarlet Angel’s Ebon, and Angela of the Wyvern Clan. The categories will include
grace, style, originality, intensity --
Greyquin -- Here comes the coin toss, sorry to interrupt.
T.J. Lawton -- Call it.
Godiva -- Tails.
Puck -- There’s a surprise!
T.J. -- Heads, so Sybil’s first.
Greyquin -- Is it just me or did he scoot out of there awfully fast?
Puck -- I think T.J.’s a little intimidated by that pair ... or should I say those pair?
Greyquin -- All right, so it’s Sybil and Brendan ... she’s approaching
him now. No touching, that’s going to be as much of a torture for
her as it is for him. Talopeans revel in the pleasures of all their senses.
Puck -- They’re not into torture, you mean? A shame ... I bet there’s
a few thousand men here who wouldn’t mind seeing Sybil in high-
heeled boots, smacking them with a riding crop.
Greyquin -- I don’t think Talopeans are allowed to do that sort of thing ...
Puck -- Now, what is this that she’s doing?
Greyquin -- Ah! She only has three minutes, so she’s not wasting any
time. I believe that is the Caress of Talopea, which enables her
to transfer what she’s feeling onto someone else.
Puck -- You mean that as she pets herself, Brendan’s experiencing it? Sharing the sensations?
Greyquin -- The rules only stated no physical touching.
Puck -- True ... a fair interpretation, I suppose! But is three minutes going to be enough?
Greyquin -- Knowing Sybil. And the crowd is certainly appreciating it!
Puck -- I think the crowd is having some ... pardon the expression ...
second-hand effects. Let me call up to the magical control room ...
Aiden? Are you watching -- what do you mean you’re not, you’re supposed to be working! Listen up, sweet cheeks, you’d better slap
a ward around Sybil and Brendan or else the whole stadium’s going to go off. Well, no, I don’t know if it’ll work on divine powers ...
Greyquin -- Godiva’s protesting to Arien down there ... now he’s shielding
Calidar from Sybil’s power to prevent him from ... uh ...
prematurely disqualifying Godiva.
Puck -- But how do we know, Greyquin, whether it’s related to her prayer-spell?
I mean, look at Sybil, there’s nothing like seeing
a woman bringing herself to the pinnacle of ecstasy ... it doesn’t take magic or divine intervention to ... (splash)
Greyquin -- Sorry, you were getting flushed.
Puck -- Thanks. How are we doing on time?
Greyquin -- Half a minute to go, and ... yes, it looks like she made it!
Puck -- And it looks like he made it too!
Greyquin -- I think we’re about to lose a referee ... T.J.’s turning
green. Arien’s going to check on him -- whoops, he’s out. Poor kid!
Fainted dead away.
Puck -- We should have expected that. Now we need another referee. But
Godiva’s not waiting! She’s starting her dance ... and it
comes as no surprise that her musical selection is the one that asks the question to which most of these 40,000 people would answer
with a resounding yes!
Greyquin -- What language is that?
Puck -- French. Literally translated, it means ‘would you like to go to bed with me tonight?’
Greyquin -- Gods above, can that gargoyle move!
Puck -- Oh, yes. The things she can do with her hips and tail ... like that right there ... could make a strong man weep.
Greyquin -- Alphonse isn’t weeping, but if his mouth opens much wider
a dragon could nest in it. And I haven’t seen Calidar that stunned
since he got kicked by an ox. But is a dance going to be enough?
Puck -- Keep watching.
Greyquin -- I think my eyes just burst into flame!
Puck -- Here. (splash)
Greyquin -- (gurgles)
Puck -- Uh-oh, security!
Greyquin -- What? What’s happening?
Puck -- Sybil just tried to kiss Godiva! Seems the dance was effective
on her, too! They’re in a lip lock ... oopsie, and that was the last
straw for Calidar! Elisa’s running to break it up and the crowd is on its feet booing her ...
Greyquin -- We could have saved a lot of trouble and just charged admission to see those two rolling around together.
Puck -- Okay, Arien and Elisa have got things under control.
Greyquin -- Whew! Puck, what a first round!
Puck -- Incredible! And now, we’ll take a short break for a few words
from our sponsors, Xanatos Enterprises and the Tradersport
David Xanatos -- Compassion. Dedication. Integrity. These aren’t qualities
that can be measured. These aren’t products that can be
created. But when I set out to form my company, I knew that these were vital, necessary aspects of running a business. Here at Xanatos
Enterprises, whether we’re making powered exo-frames, personal lasers, global computer matrices, mutagenic serums, or big metal
robots programmed for vengeance, our underlying foundation is based on those things. Compassion. Dedication. Integrity. Xanatos
Enterprises. Shaping the world, and everything in it.
Madman Naveric -- Hi, folks! Madman Naveric here to let you know, know,
know that our huge backlog of slaves has got to go, go,
go! We’ve got ‘em all ... orcs, orckin, Southern Plainsfolk, Islanders, Northlanders, Hachlanian prisoners of war! And our prices are low,
low, low! Mention this ad and choose from our selection of deluxe branding irons absolutely free, or bring in your own custom brand and
we’ll gladly sear it onto the slave of your choice! Your satisfaction is guaranteed! Come in now, and let us whip you up a good deal! (whip
Puck -- Welcome back to Pandimensional Pandemonium! It looks like we’ve
got a replacement referee, Corwin of Avalon stepping in
to take over for T.J., who was unable to continue after the first round.
Greyquin -- Is Corwin qualified? Sybil’s eyeing him like she wouldn’t mind having him for dessert.
Puck -- His rookery sister Elektra assure me that this golden-brown
male has always kept a cool head where females are concerned. But
you can tell that Jericho’s none too thrilled about this, as he comes out with the Round Two sign and has to endure his rookery brother’s
Greyquin -- What do we have for Round Two, Puck?
Puck -- Something very interesting ... as you can see, Corwin and Arien
are now blindfolding Sybil and Godiva, while our technicians
Lexington and Pellander lower a circular platform from the ceiling. That platform is covered in cushions, and hidden somewhere among
them are our six volunteers. Who are also blindfolded. The ladies have to find and satisfy as many as they can before the bell.
Greyquin -- Satisfy by what means?
Puck -- Anything goes, Greyquin, anything goes. We -- uh-oh! Personal
foul called on Sybil, for trying to grope Corwin as he secured
her blindfold! That’s going to give Godiva a two-minute head start!
Greyquin -- Who’s waiting in those cushions?
Puck -- From your world, we have three humans: Brother Josefos of the
Temple of Steel, a royal guardsman named Geoffrey of Verun,
and Sybil’s own lover, Rayke of Tradersport. From mine, we have a selection of races: Gabriel the gargoyle, Claw the mutate, and
Raven the Trickster representing Oberon’s Children.
Greyquin -- Godiva is poised and ready. It looks like she plans to leap
from that post and glide herself right into the center of that heap
of pillows. What a wingspan! And ... she’s not wasting any time either ... she just pitched her bra into the crowd and is shimmying out
of her harem pants ... all without losing her balance!
Puck -- We’ve got some fights breaking out over possession of those
items, but most attention seems to be firmly fixed on Godiva as
she stands there nude awaiting the signal --
Greyquin -- And there she goes! Gorgeous, Puck, I have to say it, she
is gorgeous. Like a dragon, only not so scary and a whole lot
Puck -- Sybil’s using her two-minute penalty to unhook those wisps of
spider silk. That leaves her with nothing but some gold jewelry,
a blindfold, and a smile, and what seems to be some sort of blushing aura surrounding her.
Greyquin -- The Charm of Talopea. Makes her irresistible.
Puck -- As if she needs it.
Greyquin -- And if you listen close, you can hear her fellow priests and priestesses beginning a holy chant.
Puck -- They’re all over each other ... is that typical?
Greyquin -- Yup.
Puck -- Godiva’s uncovered her first ... victim’s not the right word, is it? Anyway, she’s got a human ... could you recognize him, Greyquin?
Greyquin -- No, she was on him before I could identify him, and the
way she’s got him all wrapped up in her arms, legs, and wings ... but
wait, she’s not settling for one at a time, her tail’s just fished someone’s leg out of the pillows!
Puck -- Fur and tiger-stripes, that’s got to be Claw.
Greyquin -- And she’s pulling him right over ... those lips would make an elf hurry up!
Puck -- Not sure what you mean by that, but Arien just shot you a dirty look.
Greyquin -- Okay, there’s a better view of the human, that’s Brother Josefos. He’s Alphonse’s trainer, and does Alphonse ever look jealous!
Puck -- Two minutes are up and here comes Sybil, spurred on by what
she can hear. That compulsion charm must be working overtime,
because three volunteers just popped out of the cushions like prairie dogs. They’re all fumbling around trying to find her ... aha, and the first
one to reach her is Gabriel!
Greyquin -- Is it true what they say about gargoyle tails?
Puck -- I wouldn’t know personally, but I have it on good authority that --
Sybil -- (rapturous shriek)
Puck -- It is.
Greyquin -- No kidding.
Puck -- What a madhouse! We’ve got bodies everywhere. I can hardly tell
who’s where anymore! But it looks like Sybil is handling
four while Godiva’s got two ... but she’s apparently exhausted Brother Josefos and Claw looks like he’s trying to beg for mercy. No,
there, she’s letting him go and snared Rayke with her tail.
Greyquin -- I am a little surprised to see Rayke here. He and Sybil
have been an item for years, and he sometimes gets jealous over her
devotions. As if anyone would expect fidelity from a Talopean!
Puck -- Well, Godiva’s riding him like a Harley, so he’s got nothing
to complain about! Look at the way she arches her back, and the
rhythm of those hips is pure perfection. And remember that pheromone system I told you about?
Greyquin -- Even without that, the crowd is going crazy. I haven’t seen
so many men holding pikestaffs since Hachland’s War of 655!
What if they storm the ring?
Puck -- Elisa’s got security teams stationed --
Greyquin -- You mean that combination of N.Y.P.D. and Thanian Royal
Guard? Half of them are being tackled by Amazons, and not
fighting them off!
Puck -- Bright Titania, what are the Talopeans doing?
Greyquin -- They draw strength from sexual energy, which feeds into
their rituals, which increases the sexual energy! I don’t think Jericho’s
going to be able to fend off their High Priestess with his Round Three sign for long.
Puck -- 40,000 horny men, pheromones, and Talopean love chants ... okay, we overdid it. We may have a problem here.
Greyquin -- What tipped you off?
Puck -- Aiden, can you hear me? We’re going to need all the spellchuckers
to calm this one down ... Solarrin what? Well, I hope you
slapped him! You turned him into a what??? Yes, I see Arien ... a cute brunette with big blue eyes is standing between him and the Amazon
Queen and it looks like we’re about to have some bloodshed ...
Greyquin -- I was wondering where Cat got to!
Puck -- Wait a minute, the outer doors just burst open ... oh, hell!
Greyquin -- What?
Puck -- Margot Yale and the Quarryman feminists!
Greyquin -- Sounds like a garage band.
Puck -- Zip it! Now we’ve got several hundred angry women poured into
the mix ... uh-oh! Scratch that; they just got hit full-on with the
atmosphere in the arena ... several hundred rabid nymphomaniacs ...
Greyquin -- Where in blazes are the mages???
(colossal orgiastic ruckus)
Puck -- You hit the wrong button! That was the ringside microphones!
Greyquin -- Aaaah! Look out!
Puck -- Hey!
Greyquin -- Whew, she didn’t break the glass!
Puck -- I think you spoke too soon! Duck!
Greyquin -- We have to get out of here!
Puck -- They’re breaking through! Run for it!
(riotous roar, ripping of cloth, screaming and carrying-on)
(electronic sizzle, snap, and feedback whine)
(long silent pause)
Talus Yor -- (clears throat) Unfortunately, due to circumstances
beyond our control, the remainder of tonight’s programming has been
canceled. Tune in next week, when we’ll be bringing you something less heated, such as live coverage of a solar flare. On behalf of Pack
Media Studios, the Gamelin Games Commission, and our sponsors, thank you and good night.