{"id":747,"date":"2015-03-12T14:25:02","date_gmt":"2015-03-12T22:25:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/nook\/?p=747"},"modified":"2015-03-12T14:25:02","modified_gmt":"2015-03-12T22:25:02","slug":"getting-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/2015\/03\/12\/getting-home\/","title":{"rendered":"Getting Home…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I still frequently have dreams that involve problems getting home.\u00a0 They will involve situations where I parked in a parking lot but forgot to pay and my car was towed, parked in a tow-away zone and my car was towed, used mass transit but no bus was coming for a long time that goes anywhere near my home, went to take a train but no train goes in the direction of my home, walk for miles and miles and the territory is unfamiliar or difficult or risky to cross, so can’t get home.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 After my father left, the house where I grew up didn’t feel like home any more.\u00a0 No place I’ve lived since really felt like home, even here where I’ve been for 31 years, save for the 2-1\/2 years I spent in prison, doesn’t feel like home.\u00a0 My mother expressed a similar sentiment once when I was a kid, so I guess my journey is not unique in that sense.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I’m not sure exactly what home even represents.\u00a0 Perhaps a sense of security I will never have as long as I’m alive in corporeal form.\u00a0 I just know there is a sense of longing that won’t go away.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 There was a brief period where this did feel like home, when all my children were here, when my family felt complete.\u00a0 After Carl left home that feeling left with him and has never returned.\u00a0 And through my own actions I’ve estranged two of my children from me.\u00a0 That is not easy to live with.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When John Belushi died, I noticed the look on Robin Williams face changed, and no matter how comic the role he played, I could always see sadness in his face, like he never got over mourning that loss, and sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t at least in part responsible for his death, did he supply the drugs, but I’ll never know.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What I do know is now it’s something I can identify with.\u00a0 My mother is gone, two years now, and I can’t get over that.\u00a0 My father’s health is not good, I don’t know how much longer he will be in this world.\u00a0 When my daughter left I cried, and she asked why, and I told her because I didn’t think I would see her again in this life, and I told her about a customer who said he hadn’t seen his daughters in six years, and she told me she would never do that to me, but I knew she would because of what I’ve done to her.\u00a0 My fault I know, self-fulfilled prophesy.\u00a0 Doesn’t make it any easier to live with.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I think the only thing that will ever feel like home is returning to God in my death, but God has made it clear that I’ve got a lot on my plate yet between now and then, so I guess I’m doomed to live with this feeling for a long time.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I still frequently have dreams that involve problems getting home.\u00a0 They will involve situations where I parked in a parking lot but forgot to pay and my car was towed, parked in a tow-away zone and my car was … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-747","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","wpautop"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/747","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=747"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/747\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=747"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=747"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.eskimo.com\/~nanook\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=747"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}