[In response to Mavs owner Mark Cuban's recent complaint about there not
being enough insurance for players playing the World Championship games
and if an injury occurred to a player during the tournament then the NBA
teams would have a heavy financial burden for that player and Cuban 
forbade his players from participating in the tournament, Ron wrote this
great satire piece.]
 
From the Lone Mavs Forum (http://www.sportsonly.com/boards/mavs/)
 
Title: Cuban Bans Players' from Cars; US Military Next?
By: Posted by Ron (haneberg@planetc.com) on August 11, 2002 at 07:08:16
 
In case you have missed this from APM (Associated Press Mark) this morning
 
Following up the world-wide publicity given to the Mavs as the result of his
barring Mav players from participating in the World Championship, APM has
exclusively learned that Mark Cuban has extended his orders to the Mav
players.
 
"Effectively immediately, I have ordered all Mav players to stop driving or
riding in non-armored vehicles of all sorts", said Cuban.  "I am the only
NBA owner who knows that oover 42,000 Americans were killed in vehicular
accidents last year, and many more 100,000s were injured seriously.  I am
the
only owner who has read the standard players' agreement in its entirety, and
so I know that I would still be forced to pay the player (or his family, if
he died) if an automobile accident occurs.  Donnie Nelson (who discovered
him) tells me that Drazen Petrovic was killed in an automobile accident in
Europe, so I am extending the ban world-wide."
 
When asked if insurance wouldn't cover any such loss, Cuban indicated that
he is the only NBA owner (indeed, probably the only person alive) who has
read an entire insurance policy.  "While these policies would cover a
majority of the loss, I personally would be on the hook for the remainder.
That is not fair, and I blame the Commissioner for this.  He and the
referees should have found this foul situtation."
 
Cuban further indicated that he had attempted to buy tanks for each of his
players, so that they would be protected from hazards while driving.
Unfortunately, the NBA vetoed this as violating the salary cap rules.
Cuban is therefore ordering each of his players to join the US military
effective immediately, so each can get his own tank.  "The military is made
up overwhelmingly of young men" said Cuban.  "Ever since the Vietnam War,
the US military has been a very safe place to be, as long as you stay out
of the Mideast, and out of airplanes.  That fact, plus the availability of
tanks, convinces me that the Mavs would best be served if all our players
joined the military until training camp started."
 
When it was pointed out to Cuban that the military expected a longer
commitment than that, he responded.  "The only commitment that counts is
the one players make to me.  I have been very consistent on that.  For
example, when Nellie drafted Dirk (based on my advice, even though I had
no official capacity), Nellie publically promised that Dirk could leave
even during the NBA playing season to play with his German team.  I made
very clear yesterday that prior promises like that are inoperative now
that I own the team.  I am paying these guys lots of money, and they in
turn are probably paying taxes (unless they are incorporated in the
Bahamas), so I am helping my country.  They (ed note: presumably the Mav
players, not the entire country) owe me their sole and complete loyalty;
I have bought it."
 
When asked if his stance about Mavs participation in the Worlds wouldn't
hurt basketball, Cuban again re-iterated that he was a billionaire and
knew what was best for everyone, including the US military.
 
Including in the latest directive to his owned players was also a ban from
entering Starbucks or using a computer with Microsoft applications.  The
Starbucks ban is apparently the result of the difficulties in signing
Rashard Lewis and the "theft" of Rent-a-Booth, while the Microsoft
prohibition is related to Portland sign and trade maneuver with Derek
Anderson.  Cuban has previously indicated to his Web-toadies that he didn't
want to see his money supporting folks who did things contrary to the his
best interest.
 
Mav coach and former GM Donald Nelson was asked for a comment about the
latest pronouncements from Cuban.  Nelson said "Everything mark does is in
the best interest of the Mavs and my family.  I fully support whatever he
does or says, and always will so long as I am employed.  Mark is solely
responsible for all good things that happen in the NBA or with the Mavs."