From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: KNICKS HEAT GAME 1 MINDREADING Date: 10 May 99 17:06:59 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Steve Javie: Let's look at these rosters, see if there's any shady characters I have to watch out for in this game. Alonzo and L.J. got in the fight last year-watch them. P.J. slammed Ward two years ago, watch them. Ewing came off the bench. Tim Hardaway likes to show how tough he is. Then there's Spreewell . . . Ah, heck, I'll just watch everybody. Patrick Ewing: Time to review the game plan. 1. Establish the inside game early. 2. Move to more open game next. 3. Embarrass and confuse the Heat in second half. No problem. Allen Houston: Remember, it's only a matrix. Alonzo is only a computerized representation. There is no spoon, there is no spoon, there is no spoon. Jamal Mashburn: OK, game plan review. 1. Hit from outside early. 2. Play good defense. 3. Coast to victory based on early lead, momentum, and toughness. Hey, what happens if us shooters are cold at the start? Alonzo Mourning: Do not bring that weak crap in here, Patrick! I will block it into the eighteenth row! I am the god of the paint! I am the MVP of the league! Feel my rage!! Voshon Leonard: I wonder what those oriental characters on Marcus's shoulders mean? "Soft Serve?" "Weak Inside?" "Knuckle Head?" "Ain't worth more than the league minimum?" Jeff Van Gundy: Neat! Zo has fourteen of their twenty points. I'll bet he's thinking-right now-about how great he is. Tim Hardaway: I wonder if the Knicks know that I can't hardly move. Nah, they probably think I'm just having one of those "Hardaway can't hit until the fourth quarter games" that I'm famous for. I wish. Latrell Spreewell: Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn!! I didn't know Marcus could slam dunk like that! Right in Zo's face! It's almost like he's a real playa like me! I think I'm gonna try that move. Patrick Riley: No, Zo, don't let Spree dunk on you right after Camby did! Aw, crap. So much for Zo thinking he's much tougher than he really is. Jamal Mashburn: How come Allen keeps talking about "there is no spoon?" Who's he think he is, Keanu Reeves? Man, Keanu had them cool glasses in that movie. And that woman in the plastic tank-top thing? That was da bomb. Dudley: Hmmm, a 48-31 lead at halftime. If memory serves, we beat Harvard by that same score my junior year. Ah, Yale, how I miss thee. Alonzo Mourning: Can't BELIEVE Riles wants us to go to the outside shot. Timmy, Jamal, and Voshon are not tough. They need Alonzo to win. I must show my toughness. Then the Knicks will crumble at my monstrous feet. Kurt Thomas: Damn, four fouls already. I guess you can take Thomas off the Heat but you can't take the Heat out of Thomas. Charlie Ward: Whoa, Dan's missed every one of his shots. Maybe that's why they call him "Thunder Dan"-cuz he makes a lot of noise but you can't really see any effects. Tim Hardaway: I'll bet if I keep chucking, Riley will stick his head back in that ice water. That'd be better than hearing him yell. Larry Johnson: Forget that crap about going to the low-post. I'm a long-range gunner now. "Long Johnson" they could call me. Hey, maybe I'll call Nike, see if I can do one of those Mark McGwire commercials. Steve Javie: Geesh, I wish Ewing would quit talking to me already. I get it, I get it: he wants me to call all the fouls. But this is the Knicks and the Heat! I want to get home before midnight! P.J. Brown: What the heck are they doing calling five fouls on Zo!? That was no foul! If it wasn't for the zebras, we'd be down by only a dozen rather than twenty. I'm sick of being hassled by the man. I'm going to find a little guy to smack around, then head to the locker room early. Chris Dudley: In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. I guess our shooters have one eye each. Clarence Weatherspoon: Why the heck does he keep saying "There is no Spoon, There is no Spoon!?" Dammit, I'm RIGHT HERE! Chris Childs: Poor Timmy is so old he don't remember how to shoot a three pointer. Maybe a little friendly demonstration after his air-ball. Jeff Van Gundy: I wonder if they'll let me hire Riley as an assistant when I replace him in Miami next season. Trube P.S. Sorry this is the first one in a while, folks. And really sorry I don't have more from this weekend. 'Twas the only game I got to watch start to finish. Planning to post a game 2 mindreading tomorrow. From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Knicks Heat Game 2 Mindreading Date: 11 May 99 20:55:34 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Kurt Thomas: Done shocked the Heat in that first game. Yeahhhhh. And this here's a short series. Best of five. Let's see, how many more games we gotta win? . . . . HEY! If we win tonight, the series is over, two games to none! Pat Riley: Boy am I scraping the bottom of the barrel. Those championship ring posters I put in their lockers . . . geez, if that motivates them, they really are morons. Allan Houston: Clarence is right! If there IS no spoon, how can you BEND the spoon!? You can't bend a spoon if it doesn't exist! Nothin' makes any sense any more. Stupid movie. Alonzo Mourning: Yo Patrick, sorry about your knee or your ankle or whatever it is, but I'm gonna use that to my advantage. You can't go left, that's right where I'm goin'. I majored in that at Georgetown, old timer. Larry Johnson: For a big dude, he always was a sissy. Gonna pop him just like I used to, every day in practice. I wonder why we never got along in Charlotte? Jamal Mashburn: Yes!! Another 3! One more and Riles won't have to, what did he say? "Ship my worthless butt back to Dallas for a peanut-vendor-to-be-named-later?" He really knows how to motivate a guy. Marcus Camby: Just like all the veterans say, you can't spell "hate" without H-E-A-T. Whatever that means. I'll bet if I got a "hate" tatoo a lot more guys would think I'm tough. Clarence Weatherspoon: What got Ewing all riled up there? Blocked my shot from behind, then hits three straight buckets? Who does he think he is? Himself from five years ago? Latrell Spreewell: Life just ain't fair. All I do is massage coach's neck a little for him, and I lose like eighty million dollars. Terry Porter bodyslams me in the middle of one of my sickest moves and the refs don't even call a flagrant. Think I'm some kind of thug just because I got cornrows. Don't believe the hype, youknowhatI'msayin? Jeff Van Gundy: Geez, Allan, hold on to the freakin' ball! The Heat are doing more stripping that Pamela Anderson! Allan Houston: OK, but if there WAS a spoon, you could bend it . . . . Larry Johnson: Sure, Terry, I can answer from long-distance. That Jamal keeps on talking. But there won't be any talking when I'm taking him to school-and tellin' him what I'm doin'. Jamal Mashburn: So he scored on me, big deal. But that stuff about taking me to school? Damn, he went to UNLV! That ain't no school, that's like, half casino, half brothel, and half prison. Alonzo Mourning: Why team not pass Zo ball? Zo need rock. Slam home. Score. Rage building . . . Pat Riley: OK, it looks like Zo's about ready to pop. I can tell the guys to let him have the ball again. He's so much better when he's ticked off. I hope he never finds out who puts the pudding in his shoes on road games. Kurt Thomas: Five fouls!? Five fouls!? I can't believe this! Some guys just never catch a break in this league. Bill Laimbeer, Dennis Rodman, and me! Chris Childs: I wonder if my hair looks good on national t.v.? Tim Hardaway: Yeah, I saw that new Latrell commercial, the one where he's getting his cornrows put in that nasty hair of his? When he shilled for Converse, he was 'the Landlord' and he jacked his jaw about 'owning' other arenas. Now he's hyping AND1 and he's claiming to be an American hero. Oh, sure, like Charles Manson, and Ted Bundy, and Ted Danson. OK, not Danson so much. Dan Majerle: I MADE A BASKET!! I MADE A BASKET!! OK, coach, bench me now, please! Latrell Spreewell: Two minutes, twenty-four seconds. Ten point deficit. Spreewell time. Ain't no Knicks touchin' this ball except for me. We might lose, but I'll look good doing it. From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Spurs-Lakers MIndreading Game 4 Date: 24 May 99 17:26:28 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Shaquille O'Neal: Damn. Down 0-3 again. Seems like it happens every year. Teammates letting Shaq down again. No matter who they are or where they are, they just let me down. After my monster game today, though, win or lose, ain't nobody pointing a finger at me. Kobe Bryant: We just got to get a game five. Stupid Sportscenter anchors all focussing on my silly little turnovers, like they cost us all three games! Haven't they seen my mid-range jumper? What about my up-and-under dunk? Need at least one more game so I can get some highlights out there. Glen Rice: You must be kidding me! Empty seats? Ever since they traded for me, I hear: first-class organization. First-class? How come there's always empty seats? Now Carolina, that was some basketball country. And Michigan. They ain't got no sense of basketball tradition out here. Where are all the people? Eating salads? Trying to contact their dead pets? Practicing yoga? Tim Duncan: Remember, it's just business. They're dangerous. Up three could be three all if you don't play hard. Greg Popovich: Let's go over the game-plan again. Let Tim play. Remind David that he's essential to victory. What was point three? Oh, yeah, I didn't need one. David Robinson: What is that in Shaq's eyes? Is it intensity? Competitiveness? Pride? Envy? Scorn? Nope, it's stupidity. Cuz he thinks he's got a chance today. Kurt Rambis: Great, a six point deficit already. I guess I'll put in an experienced point guard. OH WAIT, I FORGOT, THEY TRADED NICK VAN EXEL! Genius, Jerry, Genius. I'll just put Lue in. He can't hurt worse than Fischer. Robert Horry: Yeah, well, I'm signed for next season, so I can launch a three. Heh. Missed. See, unlike Glen and Shaq and all, my biggest worry is . . . Oh, crap, I forgot to make the bed this morning! My lady's gonna kill me! Magic Johnson: Kurt sucks. If I had this team, they'd have a fistful of rings. Hey, maybe I should be a coach-slash-player. Nah, this team ain't good enough for me to bother. Mario Elie: Hey, now that's some lineup they got out there! Young Punk Lue, Walking Foul Knight, Always Overrated Reid, Cover Boy Fox, and Kobe "The Endorsement" Bryant. If they'd used that lineup more often, they wouldn't have to go through the pain of losing today. Kobe Bryant: Enough. It's Kobe Time. We may be down by ten, but I can still get the crowd to drool. Get ready, y'all, for some entertainment. Avery Johnson: Oh, sure, come to the party, Glen! Get on that court! We gonna fry your butt! Hey, wait a second: Spurs-Fried-Rice! That is too funny. Glen Rice: Man, that Malik Rose makes me sick! Out there acting like every play is the last play of the game. Jumping all over the place, making the rest of us look like we don't care. Damn, Malik, it's just a game! You get hurt they might not pay you any more. Shaquille O'Neal. Yep, I can hit free throws when I need 'em. Spurs can foul me all day. I'll still keep hitting 50 percent. Jaren Jackson: No no no no no Kobe. It ain't phat if the ball don't go in. Here, let me show you how to drive. Hey, is Kobe old enough to drive? Kurt Rambis: Yikes, can't let that Jaren Jackson light us up in the second half. Better put a good defender on him. OH WAIT, I FORGOT, THEY TRADED EDDIE JONES! Whatever, let Kobe guard him while he's not busy making his "I am awesome" face. Sean Elliott: Unbelievable. I ask Tim if he thinks we can blow them out in the second half, and he says, "Coach always says that winning is the only goal. Don't try to run up the score: it's low class and it gets you in trouble." All I meant was: can we just increase the lead a little bit so they can't catch up. Shaquille O'Neal: There you go. Nineteen points, you damn ingrates. Booing me? Last city treated me this way, got left Shaqless. Maybe New York really will land Phil Jackson and then Ewing will leave and they'll need a real player. But I don't know: Allan Houston and Latrell Spreewell seem to think they're more than role players. Kobe Bryant: You go Kobe!! After that shot, I can just see the headlines now: "Lakers Lose, but Kobe a Winner!" Can't wait to see that shot in an Adidas commercial. J.R. Reid: Wish I was a Spur still. That was cool, playing with them. Now I'm stuck here with Derek "the Unibomber Jedi" Harper on the bench. What the heck is he doing with that towel? He isn't playing today. He so old he gotta keep warm or somethin'? Jerome Kersey: A twelve-zero run. And the fans are acting like they're gonna see a Laker win today. Well, this may be Hollywood, but this isn't a movie, Shaq isn't a leading man, and there won't be a happy ending. Whew, SO glad I left that team. Tim Duncan: Weird. They get within two points and then their point guard heaves the ball full court and their gunner starts lobbing up lame ducks. Luckily, I studied Psychology in college and know the technical term for such behavior: moronic. Don't they listen to their coach? Kurt Rambis: Duncan just keeps on racking them up. We need another big body to put on him now that Travis has gotten six "Knights" in six minutes. OH WAIT, I FORGOT, THEY TRADED ELDEN CAMPBELL! Let Fox do it. Rick Fox: I want out. Come here so I can foul you. Kobe Bryant: Whoa, this here's garbage time. I gotta get outta here. One more foul and I can ride pine. I wonder if Tiger wants to play some golf? Shaquille O'Neal. Well, 36 points. Call it a moral victory. Better call my agent. Tim Duncan: Not a bad game. Not great, but OK. Talk to coach about how to improve before the next series. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Utah-Blazers Mindreading Game 5 Date: 27 May 99 19:05:39 GMT Message-ID: Sorry this comes a little late: NOTE: While the following column does make references to Star Wars, The Phantom Menace, it is safe to read if you have not seen the movie. No secrets spoiled; no plot twists revealed; no endings described. It is SW-PM Compliant. Pregame: Jeff Hornacek: "I've been a pauper, a piper, a poet, a pirate, a pawn and a king; I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing. Each time I find myself lying FLAT on my FACE, I PICK MY SELF UP AND GET BACK IN THE RA-ACE!!" John Stockton: "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Bryon Russell: "Don't call it a COMEBACK! . . . Mama Said Knock You OUT!!" Karl Malone: Boy am I getting sick of that Brian Grant. Usually I can just push other guys around, but he's like freaky strong. Plus, damn, he really *wants* those rebounds. Like he's gotta have them. And he's ugly. Plus that stupid hair and all those ugly tatoos . . . . Hey, wait a minute! . . . . Strong, rebounds, ugly, stupid hair, tatoos . . . like Rodman. . . .OH MY GOD! He's The Phantom Dennis! Well I guess I'll just have to use a little Force or maybe a Jedi Mind trick! Isaiah Rider: I am gonna FREAK Shandon Anderson out. Gonna spoil that movie for him. Rock his world. I'm gonna go right up to him and say, "Guess what, that little kid, Annykin, in that new Star Wars movie? That's Luke Skywalker's daddy. Gonna ruin his day getting' that big secret spoilt. Greg Ostertag: Coach say: "Block. Rebound." Coach say: "Or else I ship you to Chicago Bulls." Better block Grant shot. Ugh. Good. Rasheed Wallace: You know what my nickname should be? Death Star. Cause I'm big and black and I can blow up your whole world from long distance! Gonna nail me a deep one just to prove it! Yeah, take that Planet Utah! Arvydas Sabonis: Back in Lithuania, Communists control life. But never, ever, did they make poor Arvydas play so many games in so little time. NBA stands for "Nearly Breaking Athletes." Brian Grant: Holy crap! What was that? An anvil? A tow-truck!? Ah, crap, blood. First I'm going up for a rebound, now I don't know what the hell my middle name is! Karl Malone: The Force Done Been With You. You can call me Obi-Wan Maloni. Mike Dunleavy: Sabonis, 2 fouls. Rider, 2 fouls. Wallace, 2 fouls. Dunleavy, 2 aspirin. Howard Eisley: Damn, Karl! You rollin' tonight. Eleven points in one quarter. It's almost like you're playing to win a game-finally. Brian Grant: Gonna get my chance to get in there and take it to Malone. Both of him. Whoa, better not tell coach I'm seeing two of everything. Good thing my uniform tells me where I'm from . . . I thought it was Sacramento, though. Rasheed Wallace: Oh, no! You are NOT trying to guard Rasheed Wallace with Thurl Bailey! Dude's twice as old as Yoda and just as ugly. I'm gonna Darth Maul that sucker! John Stockton: Hmmmm, I wonder what will happen if I pass Adam the ball? Turnover? Missed shot? Oh my God! A dunk! What were the odds?! Next thing you know, 'Tag will get a rebound! Isaiah Rider: Finally! My first score tonight. Unless you count ruining the biggest movie of the year for old scruffy-chin Anderson a score. Heh-heh-heh. The Dark Side is FUN. Shandon Anderson: Isaiah must be crazy. He thinks I'm gonna believe that little blonde kid is Luke's father!? I ain't no fool. Darth Vader is Luke's father! Jerry Sloan: Crud. I thought, the way we're playing tonight, we'd have a double digit lead at halftime. And if Rasheed Wallace scores one more point, I'm gonna go out and beat the crap out of him myself. Fifteen points in a half. He's not that good! Karl Malone: I can hear Yoda now: 'Flesh theirs is weak. But spirit theirs is weaker.' I have used the Force. Now time to pull some Jedi Mind Trick out and crush 'em. Jimmy Jackson: Uh-oh. I remember this routine from Dallas. Stay close enough. Then get killed and start yelling at each other and falling apart. Still hate Mashburn, that punk! Jeff Hornacek: There. Three points. Now they can quit ignoring me. Isaiah Rider: Back from the wilderness comes Isaiah. Got a harsh message for the true believers in this here Temple: "Y'all going down!" Brian Grant: Yeah, that's it! Keep bringing the heat. Don't matter that I'm seeing like three, four different baskets, just climb on my back, ya dumb Jazz! What, you think I'm gonna crack or something? John Stockton: Uh-oh, I've seen that look before: Grant's about ready to pop. Bryon Russell: Oh sure, crush me, Brian. Don't matter. Like Karl says, "Anger lead to hate; hate lead to destruction." Something like that. Dude always quoting Yoda. I don't need no puppets though. Damon Stoudamire: DAMMIT! Four fouls in the quarter!? I think now I'm ticked off enough to write that letter to George Lucas: "Dear George, Me and my coworkers really enjoyed your latest movie, especially Jar Jar Binks. We especially enjoyed the way you employed those funny ethnic stereotypes in creating him. Since we only work half the year-yeah, what they say is true!-we'd like to come over and bring some fried chicken and talk about other black traits you might want to consider for your next movie. Like we all carry guns, have short tempers, and like nothing more than beating the crap out of rich, white racists. . . . " I wonder: would he get it? Howard Eisley: Aw, come on, when you foul Greg Anthony it ain't a real foul! It's payback! Brian Grant: NO more band-aid. No more. Time to start giving it back. Enough. That ball is mine, no matter what. Y'all going DOWN win or lose. Elbows, fists, whatever. HATE that Karl Malone. Mike Dunleavy: LET ME AT HIM! ZEBRA STRIPES OR NO ZEBRA STRIPES, I WANT HIM! CALLING MY GUY FOR ELBOWS!?! MALONE CLOCKED THE POOR KID, SIX STITCHES, YOU CALL MY GUY FOR SWINGING AND MISSING!? GOOD, KICK ME OUT! YOU WANT THE TRUTH!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! Karl Malone: Do not listen to the hate. The mind is calm. He has lost, you have won. The Jedi Mind Trick is successful again. Game over. Although now I can have some fun. Greg Anthony: Oh, OK, Karl. You want to trick us into throwing the elbows? You ain't so crafty-you're not Stockton, dammit. I'm gonna get you right now. Jerry Sloan: Whoa, Karl, time for a little rest there, big guy. No need getting you suspended. John Stockton: These guys remind me of my kids' breakfast: toast. I think I'll just keep control of the ball, never mind the scoring, and shut them out. Rasheed Wallace: Fifteen points ain't that bad. Next time, I can get thirty if I just remember to score in the second half! Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Knicks Pacers Game 1 mindreading Date: 1 Jun 99 20:36:03 GMT Message-ID: This comes a bit late. Tomorrow look for game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. Lunch got too busy today. Chris Childs: Damn this tiny little cow-town sucks. Ain't no bars open, no place to dance, nothin'. Had to watch television in my tiny little hotel room. All they had was VH-1 and MTV! Had to watch stupid no-talent Jennifer Lopez actin' like she can sing and dance. Yo, Jennifer, you may be fine, but you can't sing, you can't dance, and you can't even act! Amazing how some people will buy a record just cuz some woman's hot. . . . Mark Jackson, you *personally* gonna pay for me having to watch that idiot video. Mark Jackson: This gonna be eeeee-zeeeeee. ESPN, all the newspapers, all the sportscasters, all of 'em saying: Ward and Childs can't stop Jackson. Finally, finally, they recognizing my all-world low-post skills. They better recognize. Larry Bird: Heh-heh-heh. Those Olympics sure were fun. Harry and Larry, where they called Patrick "Harry?" Fun. OK, Harry, let's see how that Achilles feels. I think about 3 straight plays run right at you should do. Wish I had the Chief or McHale to do it--all I got is pantywaist Rik Smits. Reggie Miller: Another tough shot for Reggie Legend. I cannot miss against the Knicks! Blindfolded, handcuffed at half court, I'd be like: SWOOSH! Allan Houston: Talk about a home court advantage! Jalen Rose trying to take off my jersey and I get no call! Hey, wait a second, guy named Rose, that's kind of feminine. Trying to strip me, maybe feel my chest up . . . I didn't know they swung that way here in Indiana. Thought they was all in the Village. Well, hey, can't blame him. I am pretty damned good lookin'. Rik Smits: OW! Foot hurt. OW! Foot hurt. Latrell Spreewell: Finally, Van Gundy want the offense to get goin'. But let's show him a little D first. Ooooh, that pass was *made* for Latrell. Y'all may be the Pacers, but you too old to match my pace, youknowhatimsayin? Travis Best: Camby in, Spree in, we ain't got no answer. Wonder why Van Gumby don't start those guys? Coach Larry would be like, "Hey, Allan, you got to sit." Marcus Camby: Sam Perkins trying to represent with cornrows? Oh no! He just wants to be all street like Latrell. Latrell's scary like he from the hood. Sam's sleepy like he just got outta bed. Jeff Van Gundy: OK, finally, I have both the scorers on the floor. Yeah, right, like I'm gonna start those two. Ewing would never see the ball, and he'd be scorching me in the press all year long. At least with them coming off the bench HE supports me. Whatever, as long as we win. Chris Childs: OK, so you got the ball, Antonio. OK,I'll smack you in the face instead of Mark! That's for me having to watch that Shania Twain video! Country singer stuck in the desert in a leopard-print weirdo outfit with a giant round suitcase? Saying like "OK, so you Brad Pitt, I'm too hot for you?" What happened to banjos, bare feet, and kissing your cousins, Shania!? Rednecks is so stupid. Stupid Indianapolis. Antonio Davis: Poor Knicks think they can play with us. Don't they read the papers? Watch this, even the refs know. I'm gonna run over that white skinny guy, Duddy, they'll call him for the foul. See? Patrick Ewing: Hey, where's Reggie? Did he go to watch the race? Does his Achilles hurt? They ain't scored in like 10 minutes cuz their only scorer ain' around. Jalen Rose: 10-0 run, us. Rose hits the first bucket of the 2nd quarter. Nice. Of course coach is right, if we just think we're gonna win, we won't. Larry Johnson: Uh-oh, Reggie's back. Better remind him what a three-pointer looks like. Hey, what the hell is that under his jersey! Is he wearing a bra!? He ain't exactly manly, but I didn't know he was actually a cross-dresser! Of course that would explain the whole thing about his "sister." I thought Rodman was the only one in the league. Rik Smits: Feet hurting too much to mess with first three quarters. Save it for later. Chris Mullin: This sucks. I'm riding the pine while my home town team is making us look soft and sedate. Stupid Spreewell, he used to give me cheap shots in practice back out west. Riggie Miller: Have I missed a shot today? Huh, Allan? You can't guard me!! I'm the Knicks-killer, or ain't you heard? Larry Bird: Finally, a New York point guard turns the ball over. They been embarrassing Mark all day. If he so much as thinks about doing that damn shimmy, I'm gonna send him back to the Clippers. Dale Davis: While Camby's riding pine, I think I'll get some thunder-dunks off on Kurt Thomas. I mean: it ain't like I'm a weapon or nothing. Chris Dudley: What is Checketts doing here? That son of a bitch. Grunfeld puts the team together, Checketts fires him. Van Gundy coaches the team to two straight upsets in the playoffs, Checketts wants to fire him. What the hell has Dave Checketts done for this team beside collect a paycheck? *I've* done more for the Knicks than he ever did, and I suck. Kurt Thomas: Gotta play tough. The playoffs! Swing those elbows, use them fists. Just like Riley taught me. Travis Best: Let 'em live in New York. Whatever. I only waited fifteen minutes to see Star Wars on opening night, and my commute home is less than 25minutes. Plus a cup of coffee don't cost eight bucks. Patrick Ewing: This ain't so bad. Trail the ball. Get a shot now and then. Rebound. Let those knuckleheads run around like they playing for Phoenix. Whatever it takes to get a ring. Allan Houston: Am I heating up? Maybe. Another three, I got like 12 points. Keep it cool, Allan. You don't need to broadcast. Not like Reggie, acting like he's got fifty points. Yo, Reggie, your team ain't exactly in the lead. Chris Mullin: OK, Latrell, you may be the American dream, but I know your flaws--besides the fact that you're a psychopath with bad facial hair. I know how to fake you out of your shoes. Remember that from back in the day, Spree? Mark Jackson: So Charlie Ward got a three. Big deal. Next quarter is gonna be the "Jackson Four." I been holding back, but they gotta pay now. Make up seven points in one quarter, no problem. Marcus Camby: Wow! They called that foul on Sam? I was all over that dude! Maybe the refs are respectin' me finally. Latrell Spreewell: Latrell with the ball out deep, dribbles to the hoop, in for the score. How does he do it? Mr. All-World. Mr. American Dream. Larry Bird: Huh. If he still wants out of New York after this year, maybe I'll take him--if he can learn not to think he's King of the Universe every time he makes a good play. They can have Smits for him. Marcus Camby: Five fouls? OK, maybe the refs still disrespectin' me. Rik Smits: Ouch. Gotta get the team in this game. Ouch. Good, a tie. Reggie Miller: Cue the music. I'm feeling it. Reggie for the trey, Indiana's on their way!! Chris Childs: And THAT three is for the crappy room service! Patrick Ewing: Uh-oh. Looks like--ouch--Rik is turning it on. Another field goal and 2 for 2 from the line. Why don't he go back to--he's Dutch, where they come from? Dutchland? Whatever, time to show him I'm not done. Allan Houston: OW! Damn, who thought a European dude could smack that hard? Down three, a minute and a half. Trouble. If they just give Reggie the ball, we're cooked. Mark Jackson: Action Jackson time. Come here, Chris; you gonna be my whipping boy. Oh well, that shot was too close to make. I ain't no center. Next time. Patrick Ewing: Ignore the farm-boys and cow-bells. Hit the freebies. Yeah. Yeah. Mark Jackson: Thanks, Chris, for the free trip to the line. Watch me send y'all home. Oh well, one of two, whatever. Patrick Ewing: Who they think I am, Shaq? Fine, I can hit these two. No problem. Yeah. Yeah. Reggie Miller: Finally, they get the damn ball to Reggie. Where's Spike? He's gonna remember this one because . . . what? I missed? How'd that happen? Chris Childs: And THIS free-throw is for the fact y'all ain't got any decent restaurants! Mark Jackson: OK, if I make this three it'll tie us up and I can do my shimmy. What, Larry's gonna bench me? Whoops, missed again. Oh well, next game. Jeff Van Gundy: Gee, Dave, am I a good enough coach yet? Or do I have to win another road game first? Larry Bird: Nice. Jackson went one for eight. I oughta use Jalen at point; at least he won't chuck us right out of a game. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Spurs Blazers Mindreading (Game 2) Date: 2 Jun 99 17:28:32 GMT Message-ID: David Robinson: I just CANNOT believe people today! Nobody knows nothing about our history anymore! I asked Avery if he knew what today was. "Sure, it's Memorial Day." What are we remembering, then? "I dunno . . . the Alamo?" THE ALAMO!?! It's a crying shame. Damon Stoudamire: Re-Demp-Tion. From the Greek, it means: "To kick some butt the way I should have in game one." Mario Elie: DANGIT! First I toss an airball, then that little Mouse rips me off from behind. I got rings! I should know better! Brian Grant: Rebound. Shoot when close. Play strong. Malone sucks. Tim Duncan: Whoa. And everybody sayin' I'm the best big man in the game. Not until I can pass like Sabonis. Maybe I should go play in Europe for a while to round out my game. Isaiah Rider: Ha! Who made it outta Minnesota and thriving? KG? Nope. Stuck there-outta the playoffs. Googs? Nope. Gonna get traded from Phoenix after one bad year. Laettner? Hell no. Playing for losers in Detroit. Stephon? Funniest one of all. Playin' for the worst team in the league. Only Isaiah's still standing. Nothing can go wrong now! Steve Kerr: Oh, great, now you bring me in the game, Popovich! We're down more than ten points and nothing's working. Maybe I should just pass to Jordan and everything will be alright-except he's not here! Sean Elliott: I know that look. David's having those military flashbacks and feeling all dutiful about dead veterans. Man, he starts talking about that, it'll shake you up! He wants to lecture somebody about not pulling their weight, it's gonna be somebody else this year! I know how that is. Rasheed Wallace: Three points. Three lousy points. Whatever. Stacey Augmon: These kids know NOTHING today. Jimmy Jackson come up asking "Is that guy playing for the Spurs the guy from Pulp Fiction-Marcellus Wallace or whoever?" No, fool. That's Jerome Kersey, not Ving Rhames. He played for Portland for like ten years. Hey, Jaren Jackson is guarding Jimmy. I wonder if Jaren's his younger, less stupid cousin? Greg Popovich: That's it, Avery. Keep shooting. You might be zero for four-whoops, zero for five, now, but by the end of the game, you'll hit one. Jermaine O'Neal: This Malik Rose guy is kind of tough. I wonder if he's Jalen's younger, more muscular brother? Avery Johnson: If I was tall like Arvydas, I could pass like that. I can't see over nothing. But I'm a better shooter. Time to end my mini-slump. Whoops. Six in a row. Damon Stoudamire: People always talking about how I said the Spurs couldn't win a championship with Avery at point. Hey, that ain't trash talk! That's the TRUTH! I don't see any rings yet! Am I gonna get any credit if he doesn't win? No. But if they do win despite his chucking, you know I'll hear it. Tim Duncan: This JUST AIN'T RIGHT. Whoa, Tim. Remember your coursework: psychology is the key. Don't lose your cool. Whew. Glad I stayed for my degree. Lookit poor Jermaine; I bet I could warp that mind in under 60 seconds. David Robinson: OH, so I see you finally decided you were a fortunate millionaire, Rasheed, instead of a street hood! You best not wear them cornrows again or I'll have to slam on your face. Half a million died in the war set your people free . . . ah, hell with it. I'm gonna dunk on your face anyway. Isaiah Rider: Uh-oh, Avery still stinkin', but Mario's getting' hot and Sean's looking pretty serious today. Stupid leg. HATE bein' injured. So this is what it feels like to be Penny Hardaway. No wonder he's so moody. Will Perdue: Hey, I wonder if Jermaine is related to Shaq. Like, his younger, smaller, not-such-a-prima-donna brother? Brian Grant: BRIAN!! You idiot. You can't afford a fourth foul! What's coach gonna say? What's your team gonna say!? Greg Anthony: Oh my Gawd. I ain't never seen Tim with that look in his eyes. Usually his eyes say "Hey, how you doin'." Right now it's "Get the hell out my way or I'm gonna be on you like Rick Mahorn on a Philly Cheese Steak!" Need to calm that kid down. Get him some Valium, somethin'. I bet Isaiah could set him up. Jimmy Jackson: One measly point? How'd we blow that lead? Forget it. I lost too much already. Gonna get me a three, then a layup. David Robinson: Oh NO. We are not going to lose today. No no no no no. Not to this band of unpatriotic jerks. Remind me of Clinton, all of 'em. Want to LOOK tough but don't know what tough IS. If you gonna bring it, you gotta be ready to WIN. Greg Anthony: Usually, I'd be like: the fourth quarter is mine. But Damon's got his schwerve on today. Whoa! He missed! Hey, Coach, I can go in! Sean Elliott: I remember, David. This ain't the day to let you down. If I get that ball, it's going in. I ain't even gonna pass it to you. Got it-oh crap, I'm gonna fall outta bounds . . . whoa! whoa! Swweeeeeeet! So that's what it feels like to be Michael Jordan! Except without all the money. Mike Dunleavy: Great-now somebody will ask me if Memorial Day was memorable. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Finals Mindreading Game 1 Date: 17 Jun 99 17:23:17 GMT Message-ID: Steve Kerr: Geez, how original! Playing the Alan Parsons Project before a basketball game! I wonder what marketing whiz thought that one up? Oh well, at least I fell at home: same song before the game, working with the best player in the NBA, getting ready to add to my collection of rings. And this time all I have to do is talk-I don't even have to sweat! Charlie Ward: What the heck? Are they actually playing the "Kill da Wabbit" song before a game? Whoa. That would never play in New York. They'd start chucking beheaded Bugs Bunny dolls down on the floor and booing us. Chris Dudley: So glad that my teammates encouraged me to attend a screening of the latest Mike Myers opus. Although lacking the charming whimsy of International Man of Mystery, the Spy Who Shagged Me indeed offered a veritable banquet of low-brow amusement. Pity that Heather Graham lacked Elizabeth Hurley's effulgent combination of pulchritude and aplomb. Tim Duncan: Yikes. Look at Latrell jumping all over the place. Yo, Psycho, it ain't how pumped you are, it's about taking care of business. Latrell Spreewell: PUNKS! You think you gonna stop the L-Train!? No damn way. This the express trip to the basket, making no stops. How you gonna stop me y'all standing around lookin' bored. Lookit Duncan. Acting like he at a normal regular season game! This the Finals, FOOL!! David Robinson: Really too bad Patrick can't suit up for this. It'd be a lot more honorable beating them with all their soldiers in the war. And poor Larry, he's walking wounded. I wonder how he gets himself pumped to play? Larry Johnson: Just gotsta play! My beard's finally looking like I want, even more manly! The ladies are just ALL OVER me. Of course, the ladies been all over this Johnson for a long time. Yeah, I see you, cutie; check out this here smile-oh crap, that's my second foul! Avery Johnson: Jeff Van Gundy don't got no control over that team. Kurt Thomas just hoisting those bad shots! Pop came over to me this week and said, "Avery, love your energy, but if you take any bad shots I'm going to have to prevent you from talking to the media for the rest of the Finals." Dang, imagine being kept away from my people! Jaren Jackson: You calling THAT a flagrant? That's Kurt Thomas! He's a walking flagrant foul! Allan Houston: Good quarter. Ten points, only missed one shot. Got the team up by 6. Even got Latrell calmed back down. Now all I gotta do is make up for us losing Ewing and Larry. Chris Dudley: How smashing it would be to encounter Doctor Evil. One can only imagine the interchange: "Doctor Evil, I presume? May I present myself, Doctor Crash." "I rather doubt you're a Doctor." "Oh, but I am: I have my 'playing hard degree' from Yale. And where did you earn your alleged sheepskin?" . . . Hmm. I wonder where Dr. Evil matriculated. I must assume Princeton: that's where all the effete, mediocre, malevolent underacheivers I know went to school." Sean Elliott: Whew. Everybody else got an easy assignment: David, guard Kurt Thomas. Tim, see if you can contain Dudley. Avery, see if you can't keep Charlie Ward from scoring. Meanwhile, I'm on Latrell and Camby and sometimes Houston! I gotta rest, get me a foul. Marcus Camby: What what what!? A foul!? Oh, great. Another day in the continuing saga on "Let's Diss Marcus." If I was Alonzo Mourning or Reggie Miller that wouldn't be no foul. Course if I was one of them, I'd be sitting at home watching. Losers. Tim Duncan: Yeah, score tied, but gameplan's right. Go big. Good shots, get buckets or fouls on them. LJ got 3, Camby got 3. Get them off balance, then go for the jugular to end the half. But not in a mean way or anything. Kurt Thomas: Must be crazy playing for a team with pink and light blue for their colors. That would drive me crazy! Course if they wanted to really make the other team go nuts, they'd wear those colors. If I saw Tim Duncan coming at me in screaming pink, I'd be like "Hell, no." Especially if he was carrying a purse or wearing spike heels something. David Robinson: First nine years, I go 2 for 8, Sean is scoreless, we're down by 15. This year, Tim just picks up the slack and more. Too easy. Better pick it up in the other areas, thought. Want to earn it. Greg Popovich: Van Gundy sure has weird rotations: Dudley, Herb Williams, Childs, Ward, and Spreewell. Two centers, two point guards, and a felon. Patrick Ewing: Uh-oh, the fellas are down ten early in the third. Time for me to rip off this suit and tie, put on my uniform and . . . Aw, who am I kidding? SuperPatrickEwingPower is over for this year. But I can wave this towel around! Malik Rose: Now who is that Latrell reminds me of? Oh, yeah, that Predator thing in the Arnold Schwartzenegger movie. Except meaner and uglier. Wish he could turn invisible! Chris Dudley: That Dr. Evil did have a remarkable idea to give his son such a pedestrian appellation. I should try that gambit. "May I present my son, Philip Crash?" No, no, that's not quite right. How about "Andrew Crash?" Will Perdue: Tim's funny. I was like, "Are you really from the Virgin Islands?" And he said: "Yea, mon." Kid's gonna be able to BUY the Virgin Islands in a couple years. Latrell Spreewell: Yo, ya damn taco-eating, clean-playing creampuffs! You think Latrell going down without a fight? I don't think so. Here, old Icicle Man! This here's a finger roll, Spreewell style! George Gervin: Whoa! That was like a finger slam or something! Man knows his move, don't he? Remind me of the ABA days. Jaren Jackson: Hold on one second! That shot went in? I knew I was feeling it, but that thing musta had a magnet in there! Y'all thought it was gonna be David and Timmy, but this Jackson gonna show some Action! Steve Kerr: Uh-oh, I've seen this one before. Knicks one for nine in the quarter? Long-bomber heating up? When Timmy sees that, it's gonna be like there's an armadillo in the road and he's the eighteen wheeler. Road kill, Texas style! Kurt Thomas. Well, a double double ain't bad. Wish I could have used my other two fouls though. Jeff Van Gundy: Oh nifty, Spree. A 3-pointer. Try shooting better than 33% next time, and maybe we can compete! Latrell Spreewell: THREE FOR SPREE!! THREE FOR SPREE!! David Robinson: How many points did Tim have? Yikes. Thirty-three. What a player. Tim Duncan: Lookn at that statline on David: 13 points, 9 boards, 7 assists, and about 3 or 4 steals, 3 or 4 blocks. What a player. Allan Houston: Is that Jackson a gunner or what? 5 of 10 from downtown? And I didn't even hit one all night. You'd think my name was "Reggie" or something. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Mindreading Game 2 Finals Date: 21 Jun 99 17:28:04 GMT Message-ID: Sorry if it's hard to remember the game by now. Spent little time at home--given that there weren't any games or anything. Latrell Spreewell: It's simple. All I got to do is bring it to the hole, youknowhatI'm sayin'? What's gonna happen is one of two things: one, Latrell gets the easy dunk; two, Latrell gets fouled. If you take it strong, ain't nobody can do a damn thing about it. David Robinson: What did they teach me at the Academy? Even keel. Like on a boat. Steady as she goes. We're up by eight? Steady. Down by eight? Steady. And at the end of every half, fire every torpedo you got. They didn't teach us that one in the navy of course. That's Tim's extra touch. Larry Johnson: How come them Mexican chefs can't just pick one pepper and leave well enough alone? I mean ten years ago it was halla-penio this and halla-penio that. Then they had them haban-euro peppers. Even hotter, they said. This year, everywhere, it's chee-poat-lay. Stupid waiter last night say, "They're smokier and richer." Bull. They just peppers, man. Tim Duncan: Ah, I see, the plan is to bring it to the paint tonight. Well David and I majored in "paint" in college. Actually, I majored in psych and David majored in math. I'll bet Latrell actually did major in "paint" though. Allan Houston: Poor Tim, he's a great player, but is anyone gonna put that face on a box of cereal? It'd be like, "Kids, eat Crispy Puffios and you too can have acne scars all over the place." Charlie Ward: Look out! It's a SUPERLATRELLPOWERSLAM!! Wish I could slam. Mario Elie: Uh-oh, I'm having John Starks flashbacks! Me versus the Knicks in the finals and their team has just missed eight straight. Only difference is, Patrick Ewing ain't in a jersey and this ain't game seven. Chris Childs: DAMN, Charlie! The Knicks are the guys wearing the blue uniforms; how come you keeping passing the rock to the guys in white!? Patrick Ewing: There goes my ring. Right down the toilet. Oh, sure, they're only ahead by 5 now, but without me, there's nobody to stop them. Lookit them, David and Avery. Dr. Evil and his runt clone. Avery "Mini-me" Johnson. Wish I had my little clone back. Starks was cool. Steve Kerr: Ah, good to get some game time. Now let's see, did my Champion Bulls ever miss fifteen out of sixteen shots like the Knicks are doing? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no. Marcus Camby (singing): "When you need a basket . . . When you need a jam . . Who's the guy can do it every time THE CAMBY MAN can, the Camby Man can blah blah blah blah blah blah blah . . . . " Malik Rose: Oh, sure, this band-aid is flesh-colored! Color of Joe Montana's flesh. Color of Larry Bird's flesh. But can't a black man get a band-aid that doesn't scream "it's a white man's world?" Put out, like, five different shades of brown. I'd be like "espresso," something like that. David Robinson: Now there's a man you gotta like, George Dubya Bush. Came down to see the game. Nice fella. Asked me what I thought about things. Said he liked my book-reading commercial and seemed to mean it. That's a Texas politician in the best way. Standing tall. Larry Johnson: Maybe if I stand here with the ball long enough, and fake it two or three times, my defender will go away. Wish that waiter had gone away. Telling me that I would love a lime-cinnamon cheesecake. It's like, "Yo, I live in New York. I want some cheesecake, I'll buy it there. Now bring me a taco for dessert." Avery Johnson: I feel sorry for Latrell. I'm high energy like he is, but he always looks angry. When he gets a dunk, he looks like "I'm gonna get you" angry. When it's not working, he's looks like, "Even the back-board hates me" angry. Spree should smile more. Kurt Thomas: Look there. George Bush. Just like his daddy. All them Republicans hate that black man. Gimme Hillary anytime. Ain't gonna keep the black man down AND she could kick George's butt, you know that. Perfect for New York. Tim Duncan: Here we go, the end of the half. Put them away. Chris Dudley: And thus the Knickerbockers enter the arena with a five-point deficit. Having found no way to contain the twin behemoths they encounter, they must ask themselves, "What would Plato do?" Allan Houston: And I thought Tim had some skin problems. Lookit Pop up close! It's like a close-up of the moon's surface! Man, the Spurs ain't doing any Neutrogena commercials anytime soon. I gotta remember to call me agent, tell him to get me a Neutrogena spot-maybe with, like, Halle Berry or Tyra Banks. I'd do that for free! Jaren Jackson: What was the NBA *thinking*? We play tonight, but not Saturday or Sunday. Oh, no, people would HATE to watch sports on Saturday and Sunday. But Monday in New York at 9:00 PM, that's when people want to see the game! All part of David Stern's conspiracy to bring Jordan back. They get to say "the ratings are down 50%." Of course they ain't saying that it's because all the games were after everyone on the East coast went to sleep and there weren't any games on the weekend really. Herb Williams: We're not down by that much. Just six points and near the fourth quarter. If we could just make a couple of adjustments, like healing Patrick Ewing and getting a decent point guard, we'd be right there. Jeff Van Gundy: That's the most emotion I've ever seen from Duncan! But why is he hitting himself in the head after he MADE a shot? Jeez, none of my guys would hit themselves if they missed twelve in a row. Mario Elie: Time for SuperMario to start the beginning of the end for the Knicks with a three poi . . . . I missed? How did I miss that? I was, like, wide open. Weird. Marcus Camby: There it is, Robinson with a double double. I could get a double double in this series too. Ten fouls and ten minutes on the bench at the beginning of each game. Greg Popovich: Six point lead, Tim's got the little look in his eyes, and kaboom, a slam-dunk. Eight point lead, nearing the end of the game, and my guys will accelerate toward the end. What a tough job I have: "David, play smart. Tim, score and rebound. Everybody keep you heads on straight." It's like telling a salad to be as healthy as possible. Chris Childs: If I can just keep the ball in my hands and my hands only, we can pull it out. Marcus Camby: Dammit, Chris ain't gonna give me the ball. Time to get number six. Like that'll be hard. The refs will probably whistle me before I even try to . . . see, like that. Tim Duncan: Satisfactory performance, not great. Need to try to distribute a little more. Try and really hit the boards next time. Help my team more. Plus, it's on the road, so we gotta concentrate. Don't wanna get overconfident. The Knicks could come roaring back. Latrell Spreewell: *&^%$#@!!! We're done for. Better call my agent, tell him to start looking for that next team. Or at least a new coach. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Finals Game 3 Mindreading Date: 22 Jun 99 17:44:33 GMT Message-ID: Allan Houston: Hmm. I feel funny tonight. Kind of like I should shave my head and start hawking Gatorade. Oh well, it'll pass. But I also kind of feel like shooting the ball rather than passing it. Sure hope I can contribute tonight. David Robinson: Neat! Camby's starting. I can always get that knucklehead to foul me. Chris Dudley: Alas, forced to return to the realm of the substitute player. My fleeting moment as a "starter" gone, I shall have to remind myself that my ample remuneration more than compensates for this slight degradation. Marcus Camby: I GET TO START!! YIPPEE!! I STARTED! I'm gonna rock your world, Mr. Admiral, Sir! Watch me block your weak shot from behind! Yo! Mario Elie: Some homecoming this is. I toss the ball out of bounds, get two personals, and a T! So much for me starring in a documentary patterned after that Mr. Kotter show. Latrell Spreewell: Uh-oh, Allan is feeling it. Two straight buckets and he has that little gleam in his eye. If I don't start lighting it up, they'll turn me into a point guard. Avery Johnson: I really ought to send Charlie Ward a card after this game thanking him for letting me get two free layups. Tim Duncan: I wish I could really tell reporters how I feel about playing in Madison Square Garden: it has a weird smell, New Yorkers are rude, and I don't like the visitor's locker room. Jeff Van Gundy: Great. I start Camby like everyone wants and he immediately collects two fouls and sits. We're only up four. If we win, I'll be the guy too dumb to realize I should have started him earlier. If we lose, I'll be the idiot who screwed up a good thing. Whatever. Jaren Jackson: So Lamar Odom wanted to go back to school, huh? Never thought that brother really liked school. Hope he didn't pull something really stupid. Like more stupid than signing with an agent when he wasn't sure. Better not be that he just wants to be drafted number one. David Robinson: Enough! Twenty to ten? While I'm on this team, we're not giving the Knicks any breathing room. Gonna up my scoring right now. Chris Childs: Hey, lookee there, Chris Rock. You know, that guy's got the plan. None of the sweating, none of the "you come off the bench" stuff. Wait a second, why can't I do that? Them stupid movie people think any black man named "Chris" with a big mouth is hilarious. We could do a movie, the Three Chrisigoes! Starring Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, and Chris Childs! Greg Popovich: You *&%@$@!!! First you give Sean credit for the *%$#@#$# basket and then you waive it off and you give me a *&%$#@#% technical for getting a little hyper!? No Christmas card for you!! Antonio Daniels: If they gonna put me in, I'm gonna take my shots now. Hey, it went in! A three! Patrick Ewing: Allan's hot! He's got 13! Feed him the ball like he's a quiet, modest Shaquille! Tim Duncan: Huh. They're up by eleven. I guess I ought to shoot some more. Chris Dudley: See! I have not become a useless buffoon! I remain useful in my own workmanlike fashion! I can prevent YOUR attempt to score, Master Rose. Feel the wrath of my biceps! I cannot, however, cause us to resume our scoring momentum. Larry Johnson: Oh NO! We did not work so hard in that first period to go down. Not with L.J. around! My knee feels good, I got my smile working-and I got to listen to my favorite Brandy album with no one else around. Danced in my BVDs and drink yoo-hoo the whole time. Can't let the fellas know, though. Bob Costas: It's been a while since I've made one of my patented insightful meditations. Ah, while Houston's making his free throw, a short dissertation on consistency. Doug Collins: Oh shut the hell up, Bob. Tim Duncan: What you doing, shortcake? Why you even trying to foul me when I'm on a breakaway. You just hurt yourself, you didn't even alter the shot! Chris Childs: A DRINK!! Gimme a DRINK!! Crap, can't drink no more. Gimme a morphine shot in my leg!! NOW!! Sean Elliott: Hey, zebras, nice make-up call. Yeah, missing the travel makes up for the waived three, I guess. Jerks. Jaren Jackson: Huh, the 24 second clock is down again. Maybe Lamar Odom could take a course on fixing it at Rhode Island. Oops, he signed an agent. He'll have to go to DeVry instead. David Robinson: You trying to start a fight with ME, Marcus? Dumb. First, I don't fight. Second, I'm way too big for you. Third, I had military training; I know eighteen ways to kill you with my jersey alone. Allan Houston: Let's try an experiment. I'll just shoot on three straight possessions. Increasing levels of difficulty. See how it goes. Tim Duncan: Dang, Allan, nice shot! Allan Houston: One. Avery Johnson: Ooooh, that was pretty. Stop it, Allan! Allan Houston: Two. Greg Popovich: NO! It's illegal! Stop him! Guard him! Tell him he's not very manly! Allan Houston: Three. Huh. Funny. It's like I can't miss. They oughta have a name for this feeling. It's good. Mario Elie: Crap. Allan's in the zone, and I'm practically in the penalty box. Latrell Spreewell: What is Sean Elliott doing telling me to keep shooting? I know, fool! Just cuz I missed five straight don't mean I cain't shoot no more. Least I ain't some cupcake looks like one of them Banana Republic models like some small forwards I know. Jeff Van Gundy: Has anybody, ANYBODY, hit a shot besides Allan this quarter? Hello! Don't just watch him, help him! Rudy Giuliani: Note to self. Seek help of Latrell Spreewell in election versus Hillary. Call her "P.J." within earshot of Spreewell. Promise him a light sentence. Latrell Spreewell: Get out da way! I'm coming in for a crash landing on yo face! Eight point lead, this game's just about over, fellas. Steve Kerr: Hmm, an eight point lead. Let's make that five. Bang. Larry Johnson: Look, LJ, you gotta hit one. You took too many and missed and now you gotta hit one. Pretend you're back in school and if you make the three they'll give you another car. Hey, it worked! Tim Duncan: That's weird. The scoreboard has a bigger number next to them than it does next to us. But it's the fourth quarter! It's never that way. Chris Childs: Chris Rock could be like, "O.J. Simpson is a murdering scumbag!" Chris Tucker then say: "If I was Johnnie Cochran, I'd be like, 'OJ, do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? PLEA-BARGAIN!" And then I could say, "Yeah, let's hunt the guy down, beat him with his golf clubs, cut his throat with a butter knife, and let all the blood drain right out on his white Ford Bronco!" Man, that would be FUNNY. Marcus Camby: See! I can start and I can finish! I hit the turnaround J! I was like Jordan! Are you watching, Mike? David Robinson: You win some, you lose some. Games, but not series. We ain't losing this series. Sorry Patrick, but I have control over my ring. Wait, that's mean. I'll apologize later for thinking it. Allan Houston: I think I'll just stay awake until game 4. Don't want to lose this rhythm. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Finals Game 4 Mindreading Date: 25 Jun 99 18:29:37 GMT Message-ID: Sorry so late. David Robinson: The points will come. Mario and Sean are pumped-they'll take care of that. Avery's ready too. I just got to hit those boards. Everytime a teammate misses a shot, I'm gonna get that ball back. It's the little things win championships. And I'm not talking point guards. Hey, that was kind of funny. Marcus Camby: All the refs, all the critics had their fun with Camby once. They don't get another chance to rain on my parade. Oh, no. Gonna get through this game with less foul trouble than Mother Theresa, with energizer-bunny hops, and more points than Kobe Bryant in that Playstation game. Tim Duncan: So they think I didn't do it last game, eh? Enough detractors. First, I'm gonna play my A game tonight-give 'em no room for complaints. Plus, gonna change my image. Soon as I figure out what to say, I'm gonna start talking trash. Like Larry Bird, Reggie Miller, and Charles Barkley all rolled into one. Latrell Spreewell: Gotta step it up. That means some scoring. Not just boring old "the ball went in the basket" scoring. More like some "slammed the ball so hard he bent the rim into a figure-eight" scoring. Tim Duncan: I'll say, "With all due respect . . . " No. Larry Johnson: Look here you little runt-I don't care if we do share a slave name. My team's down, my knee hurts, I ain't getting good shots, and I just don't feel right. So even though you got my last name don't mean you can bring the ball into the paint. That's Larry Land. Do it again I'll knock you on your keister again. Greg Popovich: Isn't Childs supposed to be in yet? I thought they took Ward out before now. They better. He already had a three, then he just got that great steal and flipped it to Camby. He's supposed to get benched before he gets into that kind of rhythm. Avery Johnson: So what I got blood on my arm! So what? I'm like the last guy on the planet who would ever have AIDS. They think I'm shooting up heroin in church? They think I'm praying that my lady won't find out I get them mistresses like LJ? Please. If they gonna call me a choir boy, they can assume my blood's clean. Charlie Ward: And Ward goes from quarterback to cornerback! He somehow had an extra few minutes of eligibility left and has showed up in the backfield to stymie Tee Martin and the Volunteers! What an amazing comeback! Ward sees the bad pass, he make the great pick, and runs downfield for the touchdown! FSU wins the championship again!! Tim Duncan: No, what I'll say is: "It's just my opinion, but I think my team is better . . ." No, not quite there. Patrick Ewing: Keep it gong, keep it going. Ten to two run. Keep throwing the balls out of bounds. Bounce it off your foot. No, Avery, NO! Don't do that . . . Dang. He ain't supposed to score. Squeaky little dingbat. Allan Houston: Whoa. Charlie's got 10 points. One three pointer. Was the other one a touchdown? Heh-heh. My team beat his team this year. Neener-neener-neener. Jerome Kersey: Oh, sure, NOW the league gonna redo the defense rules. They make it harder and harder for people to guard Mike. By the end, if you looked at his Airness too long it was an illegal D. League damn near handed him 6 rings. But now the game is BORING all the sudden. Gonna get rid of all the Jordan Rules. Please. The rules should be: play ball, no blood no foul, no whining. Sean Elliott: Two straight buckets, including a three. That ought to make Sportscenter if we win. Man, they been lazy lately! Wednesday's coverage of the Finals was the same as Tuesday's. How they think we're gonna make adjustments if Dr. Jack don't tell us something a little different every day? What, Pop gonna think it up himself? Course it was cool seeing me talking about how we're not angels two days in a row Chris Dudley: Ah, the chance to operate my quadriceps as my hunter-gatherer ancestors once did. To prowl about the floor, awaiting my opportunity to pounce! Odd. Mr. Elie appears to have identical elastic loops-so called "rubber bands"-on his wrists. I have seen this many times before. Apparently, in certain basketball societies, it signifies "teamwork." Very odd indeed. Chris Childs: Van Gundy! Get me off this floor! What you doing icing Charlie!? He's the man tonight! Tim Duncan: No, it'll be like. "I have ten points already. I doubt that you have as many. As of yet I mean. . . " No, that isn't it. Allan Houston: I think when I tell my little girl about how this series went, I won't tell her that I missed a free-throw. Or maybe I'll tell her I missed the free throw because she kept me awake all night. Nah, I'll just tell her I played real hard and was thinking about her the whole game. She's so pretty and small. Uh-oh, can't get choked up out here on the court! Show no weakness! Aw, but she's got her daddy's eyes. Spree! I need a tissue! David Robinson: Aaaarrrrgh. How could I do it? How could I let Camby get the tip in! The dishonor! No more rebounds for you! Even if you did worship me when you were younger. Time for your idol to get his ring! Jeff Van Gundy: Down four points. Four players with ten points. Game four. It's like the Twilight Zone! I'm freaking out! Ah! Ah! I wonder what the reporter would say if I just started babbling during the halftime interview. "From the time of our forefathers, prophets predicted the day that the Purple Buffalo would rule the court! Zeus is blind! Obey the chicken but beware the weasel! Order more pizza to feed our gods!" Mario Elie: Yes! Two for SuperMario. Got my rubber bands goin'. Anybody says, "Hey, can I borrow a rubber band?" I say, "Yo, bro, got one right here for you!" If there's an untidy newspaper, boom, I can wrap it right up with a rubber band. And I got paper clips in my sneakers too. If only I had a place for a high-lighter." Larry Johnson: *&%$@#&@! Only two &%$!@# points! And I got the damn media all over my back! Bill Walton talking smack about me just cuz I said something after a game!? Look, fool, my job is to PLAY BALL! What I say don't matter. Your job, you big dumb red-haired goon, is to TALK. And you disgraceful at that. Always talking smack. You wanna play, play. I'll kick your sorry, white, slave-owning ass for ya. You wanna talk, say something intelligent for a change. David Robinson: Oh no! I hope nobody saw me! I said "Goddam" on the court. If Avery saw me, he'll KILL me. Marcus Camby: INCOMING!!! Man, I'm da B-2 bomber from da Bronx! Fear me!! Yeah, Spike, you tell 'em. Let's go, y'all, cheer! I am your greatest hero! Except for Latrell, of course. Like the commercial says. Mario Elie: Three for the Spurs. Just doing my job. Jay-Oh-Beeing. Latrell Spreewell: Whoops, lazy pass. Got Latrell's name all over it. Mine. Oh, this gonna be magnificent. LOOKOUT HERE I COME YOU &^%$#@!!#$#!!!!!!! Tim Duncan: I could say something like. "You all are so excited, but you're still down by nine points. Of course you have put on quite a show lately . . . " Nope, still not right. Spike Lee: Why is Elie yelling at me? Does he think he's Reggie Miller or something. First, he doesn't have a sissy yellow uniform. Second, he don't look like a war refugee. Three, he can hit a three-pointer in the Garden in 1999. But I can't back down. Not in front of the whole house. They know I'm the Knicks' number one fan. I think I'll call him a sellout. Heh-heh. Avery Johnson: I ought to write Damon Stoudamire a letter: "Dear Damon, I want to thank you for providing me with just a little extra motivation. Every time I hit a basket in game 4-I had fourteen points in three quarters-I thought of your silly statement that I couldn't lead a team to a championship. Enclosed is a picture of my ring. Isn't it nice? Maybe you could get one someday if you concentrated on playing rather than talking smack. Love, Avery." Tim Duncan: I got it! I could say, "You might have won a single battle, but the war is ours. Not that it's really a war, I mean we respect you and all . . " Dangit, this just ain't working! And it's fouling up my game. A travel and a turnover in two straight possession. Forget it. Let them say what they want. I'll just score, rebound, block, and pass. Jeff Van Gundy: OK, foul on Camby. Time to pull him? How many does he have? WHAT!? His FIRST!? Did Patrick bribe a ref or something? Larry Johnson: Well if that ain't a nasty statline. Four personal fouls. Four rebounds. Four points. Fo-Fo-Fo. Except not the good kind of Fo-Fo-Fo. David Robinson: OK, Spree, so you got a little four point run going. You're getting close. But we're gonna shut you down. Last four minutes, you gonna be in Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood. Allan Houston: Avery, get out the way, you little tiny thing. Tiny. Like my daughter! Score this one for her, then we're only down by two. Doug Collins: Did Bob just say a "hostile and rabid New York crowd?" He couldn't have. I mean, even he isn't that hystrionic. Sure, hostile, but rabid? They're not rats for heaven's sake! Although they do have a lot of rats in this city. Patrick Ewing: Man, I would give up my whole salary this year to be healthy for just 2:46 of game time. Down by four. We could do it, man, we could. David has 5 fouls, I could get him out the game. But as it is, he's got that look in his eyes. Tim Duncan: No trash talk. Just two free throws. One . . . . Two. Easy. Simple. Ten point lead. Over. Marcus Camby: We're only down by 8!! We have almost a half-minute left! We can do it!! Come on! Dang, what's wrong? Bruce Lee would be real disappointed in y'all. Jeff Van Gundy: Aw, crap. Trube