While I was in prison, my wife bought another dog.  A Doberman puppy she named Mae.  Mae as you can see slouches something awful, seems to have rubber joints that can flex any which way without bothering her.

I really didn’t want to get a dog, not knowing if I’d lose the house or not (that’s still up in the air and a cause of a hell of a lot of stress).  It’s hard enough to find housing as a sex offender, limited to one county, without adding the requirement of being able to have pets.

So now if it comes to that, and we have to give her up, it’s going to be yet another heartbreak.  Between a daughter I can’t talk to or even know how she is doing and a youngest son that won’t talk to me, and a mother in the deep stages of Alzheimer’s, I’ve had enough of that already.

Before I even went to prison my financial state was going to hell in a hand basket because that’s where my mental state was.  Wasn’t able to do the things I needed to do like keep current on billing, update servers that needed to be updated, etc.  I had a line of credit with Chase which somehow they’ve construed as a mortgage.  To be honest, I didn’t really understand what I signed with them, they write these 50-page contracts that nobody understands except lawyers that I can’t afford.

So now I am current on my primary mortgage but not the Chase thing, and they’ve more than doubled the principal with outrages fees and interest.  So, I’m in this mess where if I could refinance the whole amount, the chase amount and my primary, at modern interest rates, I would not have a problem making the payments, but I can’t because my credit is shot, and my credit is shot because I can’t make payments on the Chase and some other cards.

There are times when I wish I would have just died in prison.  The business is healthy now, but my personal finance situation is a mess.  So I don’t know what to do.  JP Morgan was the downfall of Tesla and it looks like he’s going to make my life miserable from the grave.

In my absence my wife had made arrangements and payments to Chase, but they reneged and $8,000 she paid them never got credited to our account, we don’t know where the hell it went.

I guess the moral of the story is read and understand or don’t sign.  And don’t get mentally ill (like anybody would choose what I went through).

An even bigger moral is stay right with God, because the whole cause of the severe anxiety I had was not being right with God and believing I was going to die and go to hell any moment.  Well, at least that is something I don’t live with anymore.

And although this mess is still far from worked out, I’ve seen enough things which seemed impossible solved by God’s grace that I know, if it’s his will, it’s possible.  What I don’t know is, if it’s his will.  I know I am still far from spiritual maturity, and maybe a lot more pain is still in the works to get there.  And I guess that’s what I stress out the most about.  Really not knowing what I’m still going to have to be dragged through.  But at least I know whatever it is now, I won’t be dragged through alone.