My mother’s recent passing has me thinking a lot about the afterlife.  The Bible tells us a little but really not a lot of detail with respect to what to expect.

Years ago, we had a big storm, and I was thinking it was the Inaugural Day storm of ’93, but now I don’t think so because I remember it being cold and snowy not just windy.  Also, I remember just two kids then and ’93 would have had three.

At any rate; we had a storm, it knocked power out, and I was sick with the flu.  A water bed really sucks when the power is out because without the heater, it sucks the heat right out of your body.

So I’m sick, have a high fever and shivering on an unheated waterbed with no heat in the house because the furnace doesn’t run without electricity.

I went into a dream, only it seemed more real than waking reality.  I was in heaven with God, and it was home.  I knew it was, I had awakened from the dream of my life on Earth and I was more awake and alive and aware than I’d ever experienced.

And I had a choice, I could stay or I could go back, and I thought of the kids and I had to go back.  As soon as I thought that, I woke up, and the fever had broken, I had 98.6° F temperature and got up and felt fine.

But there were some things I brought back with me from that experience, a sense of connectivity there that I’ve never been able to totally get with any human being here. The most intense sexual experience doesn’t come close.

I also got a sense of that being home, I had been there before, it was familiar, relaxing, comforting, secure.  A feeling I’ve never really fully had on Earth.  Here, on this planet I’ve always had a feeling of not belonging.

Now that my mother has passed, there is a part of me that really wants to return to that place.  The only thing that prevents me is that I know God didn’t bring me all this way for no reason, I’ve got work to do before it is my time, and even though I don’t know what that is, I know cutting my life short would in effect be refusing God’s assignments and gifts.

So I’m in kind of a deep mental funk, really feeling tired of this life, a life in which I know two of my kids hate me because of what I’ve done, I’m not really sure if how my father feels about me but I know I’ll never earn his respect and I’m not sure about his love.

I love my wife but I don’t feel like she really shares the intensity of my emotions, so I feel very alone in them.  My situation doesn’t really provide me any method of blowing off steam and unwinding and that’s difficult to deal with at times.

I’m sure God has a reason for the path I’m on but I keep asking what I should be doing and so far the answer doesn’t seem to be forthcoming and that is difficult and frustrating.

I want to be home in a way that is secure, in a way I can really relate to people at the deepest level, and right now in my life that’s just not happening.

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