I’ve been off of anti-depressants for three years and four months now.  I was on them not so much for depression per se’ but for anxiety.

Even this far down the road since I’ve been off the meds, I still find myself being overwhelmed a bit at the intensity of emotions.

I put on some older music which included The Byrds “My Back Pages”.  As I told my oldest son, Carl, chills and tears.

Being off meds means I get to feel all the negative things that happen, my Mother’s death, my children’s well-deserved anger, awareness of the mess I’ve made of things, economic woes, all in full force, but I also get to experience the positives, love of family that is still around me, friends, music, humor, the warmth of the sun, the taste of food, a happy crazy dog, all that stuff I get to feel in full force too.

I realize now that it was not so much a fear of dying as it was a fear that I was already dead, and in an emotional sense, I was.  It’s like having a color TV but the color is turned down all the way so you watch it in black and white for several decades before you finally figure out there is a knob you can turn up and see everything in living color.

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