A Lot Down

Actually, I’m feeling a lot down today, really fixated on death and negativity.  I don’t want to be but it just won’t leave my head.

     I lost my mother a couple of years ago, I don’t know how long my father has left but he feels he’s winding down.  I’ve alienated my daughter and my youngest son.  I’m really feeling like maybe I would have been better off if I’d died in prison.

     I really hate it when I get in moods like this but I don’t know what to do about it.  A couple of decades of therapy didn’t eliminate it and I’ve been on many different SSRI’s and other medications and at best they helped very little and only temporarily and had rather serious side effects.

     God took the really intense nebulous anxiety away, that which is left is real over real issues and not so intense and I guess I kind of feel like if I didn’t have it I wouldn’t be motivated to do much of anything, but this depressive feeling, the fixation on death of everyone I love and eventually myself, I don’t see any positives in that, and yet God left me with that.

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