Faith / Fear

     Flip sides of the same coin..  I find myself too focused on the latter at the moment.

     I’ve had some digestive issues since around December and now doctors want to do a colonoscopy to look for a potential tumor.  And I don’t even know if I’ll have medical coverage for the procedure.

     I want to have faith knowing that nothing happens without God’s permission, that God is ultimately in control of our life, and even if he were to call me home, somehow he would take care of those who would remain.

     I find it no coincidence that this pops up right after I am accepted into church.  I wonder if this is not God’s way of saying, “I welcomed you back, are you REALLY back?”  If I am then I should be able to find peace in spite of everything.

    Sometimes there are times when God doesn’t seem to be speaking to me.  This is one of them.  Something I do sometimes when I feel like I really need a word from God is to pray on what is troubling me and then randomly open the Bible and read and it seems often when I do this I’ll open to a passage that just nails whatever it is troubling me, but tonight, no joy.  I can’t relate what I’m finding to my situation.

     I turn on KCIS 630AM, a station that usually has various online Christian broadcasts, on-air sermons, or Christian talk, but instead tonight it is playing music and only instrumentals at that.

     I ask myself is God not speaking or am I just not hearing?  And I pray, “God open the eyes and ears of my heart to hear you and what you command for me.” but nothing seems to be happening.

     This feeling isn’t new.  I felt the same thing for the first month I spent in solitary confinement in prison and it seemed for the first month God didn’t speak, but when he did, it was clear he had been with me all along.

     In that instance, I now feel God was preparing my heart to be receptive, and I hope that is what he is doing now.  I want my life to be ruled by faith not fear.

2 thoughts on “Faith / Fear

  1. Hoping and praying for healing, peace and comfort. If you need assistance with the tumor, has a patient navigator that can help with insurance issues, financial assistance, getting treatment, 2nd opinions, etc. I have referred many people to them and they have gotten much of the help they needed. I’ve been working with them for sometime and they have been so supportive of the work I’ve done in paid family leave and the family care act in this state. Let me know how your colonoscopy goes. It’s one of the cancer screenings that’s covered by the ACA without co-pays or deductibles they your health insurance. Always, Zoomer

    • To be clear this is only to check that possibility. There are many other potential causes but since cancer is something best caught early they want to check that possibility first. I appreciate the referral. I experienced something very similar while in prison four plus years ago and it resolved on it’s own eventually so whatever that was this may be
      a recurrence of it. None the less it does make me think about dying and what I’m doing with my life and about others I know who are suffering with cancer and other maladies and perhaps that is the whole point.

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