The time approaching Mothers’ Day was particularly difficult this year having lost my mother a few months ago.
It’s been really hard to stay focused and get things done, and the temptation to find comfort in things I know I can’t just to not feel the pain, that’s been intense but I’ve managed.
At times now it feels difficult to find meaning in life. I ask the Lord for direction, and some days it seems to be there, other days not.
I’ve been having difficulty sleeping and intense, often frightening or otherwise emotionally overwhelming dreams.
I have been making some progress moving the business forward, improving Eskimo, but I know I could do a lot more if I were in a better mental state.
This year has also been a horrid allergy year, and although the crap I can buy over the counter claims to be non-sedating, for me it still is, and even if it doesn’t put me to sleep it seems to make focused thought impossible.
The fact that it’s been a year and still my youngest son won’t talk to me doesn’t help matters much or not knowing how my daughter is doing, not being legally able to know, and just all the uncertainty in the future all wears on me.
I keep telling myself God is good and God has a plan but I look around at all the suffering and hatred and greed and general craziness in the world and it makes it hard to have rock solid faith. Still, I’ve made it through what seemed to be impossible and I know God was there or I never would have made it this far.
Well, it’s time for me to attempt sleep once again, I know it will be painful, broken, and disturbed but it is necessary.