Star Trek – The Next Generation – The Inner Light

     Just finished watching episode 25 of season 5, entitled, “The Inner Light”.  Re-watching actually.

     What excellent writing on this episode.  Really makes me think about my past, people from my past that are now gone, and eventually so will I be, and then what?

     I don’t understand why we live these transient lives on our way to eternity.

     What I wouldn’t give for a chance to return to the past when my daughter and youngest son still talked to me.  Or to a time when I wasn’t in constant physical pain.

     Though I suppose the physical pain is more tolerable than the anxiety I used to suffer from.

     I am 57 and still trying to understand what it is God has for me to do here on this planet.  Right now I’m feeling a sense of great loss and bewilderment.

Trying to Sleep

     After 1AM, can’t go to sleep.  Allodynia is bad tonight, skin is sensitive, touch of sheets, blankets, bed underneath, all painful.  Already on full dose of gabapentin (1200mg 3x day), almost full dose of nortriptyline, these are not working adequately.

     If I had known about peripheral neuropathy, how painful it is, and it’s relationship with diabetes, I would have kept much better care of myself.

     I wish they would invent a way to send information back to the past and I could warn myself of the traps I’ll be falling into ahead of time.  I would be healthier, my children would be healthier.  Life would be better.

Weirdness

     This morning my nervous system doesn’t know what state to be in.  I have patches of my body with allodynia but not severe, a mild soreness like a sunburn, not searing pain like last night.  Other parts are itchy, and some areas are partially numb.

     Everything just feels weird this morning, I feel like I’m only half attached to my body.

     Now later in the afternoon everything feels sore like I got rolled down a rocky mountain side.  Back hurts, feet hurt, sides hurt.

     This is getting to be so much not fun.

Hurts to Much

     Laying in bed for three hours now, I can’t sleep. Skin is sensitive in many places to where the touch of the sheets creates searing pain.  My body hurts too much.  I hope this pain isn’t permanent.  I don’t think I could live like this indefinitely.

Awoke to Pain

     Pain woke me up about 3:15AM this morning.  Got up for a few, found that Comcrap cable Internet was down, again.  To early for gabapentin.  Smoked some Cascade Gnome and went back to bed.  Don’t have to worry much about functionality when I’m trying to sleep.

     Went back to bed and woke up again 5:15AM, again in pain.  Comcrap had fixed the cable.  Called them up and demanded a credit.  They credited my account a whole of $6.  The way I see it, the only way they’re going to invest in enough redundancy to not be down more than their up is if it costs them more in credits resulting from an outage than it would to invest in the necessary redundancy.

     Since it was close to gabapentin time I decided to sit on the computer for a bit, that and call Comcast and ask for credit, before taking gabapentin then try to sleep again.

Pain

    I’m having a really bad night.

     I have burning pain all over my body but especially in belly and legs.  I have areas super sensitive to touch (allodynia), worst is an area that is a mirror image of the L1 area that used to be irritated.

     I have foot cramps, and magnesium didn’t help so I just ate a banana for potassium.  They tell me I shouldn’t have any issues with potassium shortages because the blood pressure medication I am on causes it’s retention.  Still the feet cramp.

     I am having random stabbing pains in my left side, somewhat electric in nature.

     This is so much not fun!

Becoming Unmanageable

     My pain is becoming unmanageable today.  The only drug I have available to me that helps at all is marijuana.  I really don’t want to use it as it precludes the possibility of driving, and thus of getting a workout in, which really is my only long-term chance at recovery from this diabetic neuropathy.

     I have both e-mailed my doctor and tried to schedule a telephone appointment through Group Health, thus far both are being ignored.

     I am glad my colonoscopy did not turn up colon cancer because if it is this difficult getting treatment for pain, I know if I had cancer I’d be dead for sure.

Neuropathy Pain Flare-Up

     Saturday I had another neuropathy pain flare-up.  I think it had a lot to do with only getting 3-1/2 hours sleep the day before.

     Sunday was better. Still had some pain but got in a good intense workout.  This dropped the pain level further though there still was some but I was able to sleep Sunday night.

     Today (Monday) there is still some pain but so far it is manageable.

     It is frustrating.  My doctors at Group Health seem to be totally unsympathetic and unwilling to provide any meaningful treatment for this pain.  I am on two drugs presently for the pain, gabapentin and nortriptyline, but neither is providing adequate relief.

Pain Down – Hand Better

     My pain has largely subsided over the last two days.  There still is some allodynia but it is mild to moderate and there is no constant burning, not even in feet.

IMG_1264     Much less red now.  Skin is dried out.  It always does this after a flare-up.  There is a tiny fissure south of my pinkie.  These also frequently happen during and after a flare up.

Sleep

     Having a hard time getting to sleep.  Some minor allodynia now but no static pain and some itchiness.  I think I had too much caffeine too late.  I’m trying to cut down because I’ve learned that caffeine increases blood glucose levels and I know it screws sleep sometimes.  I have to be up at 4:45AM, going to get less than 4 hours if I get to sleep now, which isn’t likely to happen.  Some left over day cruft is also hovering in my mind.