Last night I had a nightmare in which my father had died.  Given his health isn’t the best these days that’s a real possibility.  Given that I’ve been having some precognitive dreams lately I was particularly concerned, although this dream did not have the short piece of time quality that my precognitive dreams tend to have.  Rather, I was still working at the telephone company (Qwest), which I left twenty years ago and which has subsequently been acquired by CenturyLink, and one of the supervisors I worked under, George Breckenridge, was the one who told me he had passed.

     There are unsettled issues between us and I don’t know how to settle them, he wants to know why I did some things I did, but if I answer that honestly he thinks I’m blaming him and gets defensive.  I don’t blame anyone for what I did except myself.  Certainly other people helped set up the circumstances but I made the poor decisions I did.

     I kind of feel like Austin Powers in the in the Goldmember film, where he has a list of things to do before I die, the last thing on the list is Earn Daddy’s respect.  I know in my lifetime that ain’t going to happen and certainly not in his.  I don’t feel there is anything I can do to be worthy of his love let alone his respect.

     This has left me in a bit of a depressed state today, also a little anxiety since I know it’s inevitable, it’s only a question of when, and then I know it will feel like there isn’t any buffer between me and my own death although I know in reality that doesn’t really ever change, save when I actually die.

     There are times when I’m tempted to hasten my own death, but I don’t want to leave my wife alone, especially after she waited for me through my prison sentence, I don’t want to hurt my kids, even those that won’t speak to me, and I have a responsibility to my customers that I take seriously.

     I tried to call today but no answer.  Just got one of those generic I’m not home messages that you get when you don’t set up your voice mail box.  The phone has been dead all day, nobody has called me.

     If anyone out there is into intercessory prayer, please ask God to help me sort this out, I can’t do it on my own.

     I’m not sure what they call this structure but the lower end is open and often music is performed here.  This evening there is a person playing bongos and people playing other instruments occasionally.  It is about 11:30PM when I took this.  The other parks in the area all shut down at dusk but this one remains available to the public even late into the evening.  In spite of the numerous establishments which serve alcohol in the vicinity, somehow the locals are able to keep it peaceful and there aren’t a lot of problems.  It has a good vibe about it, very pleasant.

     Went to Burgermaster in Kirkland and got a Strawberry Sundae last night, along with my oldest son Carl and wife, Tina.

    Recently, I’ve been experiencing a great deal of synchronicity in my life, almost constant.  I’ve also recently started having precognitive dreams.  They have been just brief moments, maybe only a second or two, out of the future.

     For example, two nights ago I dreamed of seeing a creature come out of a man’s face like alien came out of the stomach of a person in the original film of the Alien series, Alien.  Last night I watched a movie called Prometheus and near the end of the film exactly that happened.  So I got a one second or so preview of that film a night before actually watching it.  Not very meaningful or useful, but it was exactly these sort of dreams that I had in my youth that lead to the whole creation of Eskimo North.

     Back in the time when CPUs were 2 Mhz or less, hard disk drives didn’t exist, modems were 300 baud, and my screen was black and white 16 lines of 64 characters and no graphical capability.  Back then, I had flashes where I saw computers with full motion color video, unthinkable with that days technology, audio, networked together.  I saw what was possible and started working towards that end.

     Up until about 25 these dreams were exceedingly common, became less so over the next ten years, and pretty much disappeared altogether by the time I was around 40 years old.  For a long time, I wondered if those dreams were somehow the result of marijuana that I used until I was 25, but I wasn’t willing to go back to the asthma, frequent bronchitis, and long lasting sinus infections that I also frequently suffered while using it to find out.

     However, now an age of 56, the precognitive dreams and synchronicity that was so much a regular part of my life are returning.  There were two aspects of my life back then that haven’t returned, frequent lucid dreams and occasional waking out of body experiences, as well as frequent Deja Vu experiences.

     I haven’t altered my life in any obvious significant way, I haven’t returned to the use of marijuana or hallucinogenic drugs.  I’ve continued to pray.  I have put a little more effort into regular meditation which I’d been neglecting somewhat, but I did that a lot through my time in prison and initially upon my release and wasn’t having these experiences then.  I’ve returned to it because I’ve felt stress levels building and a real dearth of energy and creativity that I very much wanted to overcome, and it has been helping to do that.

     I think perhaps one reason these things may be coming back to me is that previously, there was an aspect of these precognitive dreams that I misinterpreted and in so doing did some very negative things hurting other people and bringing about the very negative outcomes that I had seen, a negative circle of self-fulfilled prophesy.  I have come to understand however, that these are only potentials not absolutes and that I have some choice with respect to their actualization and that going into the future with fear tends to actualize the negative ones.

     The little poem at the end of Nights In White Satin by the Moody Blues, Cold Hearted Orb that rules the night, removes the colors from our sight.  Red is grey and yellow white, but we decide which is right and which is an illusion.  I think this is the same realization I have just recently come to.  The universe is mind stuff, it isn’t just happening and we observing, it isn’t just happening to us, we aren’t just changing it.  We are it, we are participants, we are happening.

     This was the verse Our Daily Bread had for us to consider today.  Prior to reading this I was thinking about my last post and how powerless I am against the evil forces of the world.  Then I became aware that my focus was on the wrong place and I should concern myself with my own evil first.

     In that context, I find this passage hopeful because if Jesus can save someone even after death, then certainly there is still hope for me, and others, in this life time.

     I read today that David Rockefeller is 99 years old and just survived his sixth heart transplant.  They keep trying to put a heart in the guy and he keeps killing them.  I guess having all of that money must be pretty stressful.  I’d offer to take some of it off his hands but I’m not willing to put my soul up for sale.  I can tell it’s made him happy, he’s always smiling in his photographs.

He always looks so happy!

     Cleave is an interesting word in that it’s own opposite,  Cleave to the Lord…  A man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife.  Cleave a piece of meat to eat.  In some unfortunate marriages, cleave might be used in both contexts.