Last night I had a nightmare in which my father had died. Given his health isn’t the best these days that’s a real possibility. Given that I’ve been having some precognitive dreams lately I was particularly concerned, although this dream did not have the short piece of time quality that my precognitive dreams tend to have. Rather, I was still working at the telephone company (Qwest), which I left twenty years ago and which has subsequently been acquired by CenturyLink, and one of the supervisors I worked under, George Breckenridge, was the one who told me he had passed.
There are unsettled issues between us and I don’t know how to settle them, he wants to know why I did some things I did, but if I answer that honestly he thinks I’m blaming him and gets defensive. I don’t blame anyone for what I did except myself. Certainly other people helped set up the circumstances but I made the poor decisions I did.
I kind of feel like Austin Powers in the in the Goldmember film, where he has a list of things to do before I die, the last thing on the list is Earn Daddy’s respect. I know in my lifetime that ain’t going to happen and certainly not in his. I don’t feel there is anything I can do to be worthy of his love let alone his respect.
This has left me in a bit of a depressed state today, also a little anxiety since I know it’s inevitable, it’s only a question of when, and then I know it will feel like there isn’t any buffer between me and my own death although I know in reality that doesn’t really ever change, save when I actually die.
There are times when I’m tempted to hasten my own death, but I don’t want to leave my wife alone, especially after she waited for me through my prison sentence, I don’t want to hurt my kids, even those that won’t speak to me, and I have a responsibility to my customers that I take seriously.
I tried to call today but no answer. Just got one of those generic I’m not home messages that you get when you don’t set up your voice mail box. The phone has been dead all day, nobody has called me.
If anyone out there is into intercessory prayer, please ask God to help me sort this out, I can’t do it on my own.