I awoke about 2:48AM out of a dream that involved a visit from a long dead cat which I had, Fred.  Fred was a long haired black beast that was very intelligent and seemed to connect to people, or at least me, very well.  He’s been gone for many years, more than a decade I think.

So here I am awake from a dream of relative comfort and into the reality of at the moment being alone, my wife is at work, one son that is still here jacked into his computer talking to some friend who knows where.  And my heads all stuffed up making it difficult to breath through my nose.

I tried to fall back to sleep but I could hear Raymond talking to his friend.  So I turned on the radio, only the talk show I usually listen to falling asleep is gone.  So I put on some music but the lyrics remind me of my mother and all the other people I’ve lost.

I prayed to God to make his presence known and felt to me, but I’m not feeling his presence just now.  That’s something about God I don’t understand, why sometimes you can feel his presence and sometimes not.

I wanted to talk to someone but at now well after 3AM not an option, wife won’t be home for another three hours.  So I took an Alka-Selzer Cold hoping it will unclog my sinuses and allow me to breath normally and get back to sleep and came in and wrote here, to whoever will read.

I guess I’m going to go back and try to sleep again, have to be functional in the day, lots of things to take care of right now.

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Before going to prison, from the time I made up my mind that I wanted to change my life, God has given this verse special meaning to me.  Throughout the period leading up to my incarceration, during it, and after, God has used this verse as a way of getting my attention, letting me know there was a message he was about to deliver.  It came across in sermons, radio shows, even fragments in advertisements, and each time something important would follow.

It came into my mind the evening before my mother passed away, while I was watching her struggle for every breath.  And this time it’s still hard for me to understand how that can possibly be used to good.  But I know he will, somehow, and I will make myself available to whatever he has planned for me.

I can see how, as hard as this is, God really prepared me, the time in prison in solitary where he let me know he was there, loved me, forgave me, but required that I take responsibility for what I do.  That moment made death a whole lot less frightening and also let me know I was never alone no matter where I was, he was there.

The day my mother passed, an old friend who was once my boss at the telephone company, but left to pursue his own business as did I, and we remained friends, contacted me, and I told him what I had done and he said we are friends for life, and then another friend from high school times contacted me again today and even knowing what I had done let me know we were still friends.

God has put so many good people in my life, that has made this time, which is hard and painful, a lot easier to bear, because so many people are providing emotional support and helping me bear that burden.

There are things I am praying for, primarily healing within my family, a closing of the chasm between my children who haven’t decided to reject me and those who have, that the relationship between my sister and I could be better, and that God continues to direct my life and mold me into the person he wants me to be who sees opportunities to help others and acts upon them instead of freezing up in fear, who trusts God to provide rather than being nervous about every impending deadline.

All of those people who have allowed God to use you and help me get back on a better path, I appreciate you and I offer my apologies to those I’ve hurt.

Goodbye Mom

My mother passed away early this morning.  She had been suffering from Alzheimer’s and COPD for several years.  It was the COPD that ultimately took her life.

She had not recognized me since I returned from prison, did not know who I was, but I had visited Monday and on that visit she had a moment of lucidity and did recognize me and told me she loved me and I told her I loved her.

I feel a great loss, but at the same time blessed that God gave her that moment of lucidity and us a chance to say Goodbye and express our love before God took her home.



While I was in prison, my wife bought another dog.  A Doberman puppy she named Mae.  Mae as you can see slouches something awful, seems to have rubber joints that can flex any which way without bothering her.

I really didn’t want to get a dog, not knowing if I’d lose the house or not (that’s still up in the air and a cause of a hell of a lot of stress).  It’s hard enough to find housing as a sex offender, limited to one county, without adding the requirement of being able to have pets.

So now if it comes to that, and we have to give her up, it’s going to be yet another heartbreak.  Between a daughter I can’t talk to or even know how she is doing and a youngest son that won’t talk to me, and a mother in the deep stages of Alzheimer’s, I’ve had enough of that already.

Before I even went to prison my financial state was going to hell in a hand basket because that’s where my mental state was.  Wasn’t able to do the things I needed to do like keep current on billing, update servers that needed to be updated, etc.  I had a line of credit with Chase which somehow they’ve construed as a mortgage.  To be honest, I didn’t really understand what I signed with them, they write these 50-page contracts that nobody understands except lawyers that I can’t afford.

So now I am current on my primary mortgage but not the Chase thing, and they’ve more than doubled the principal with outrages fees and interest.  So, I’m in this mess where if I could refinance the whole amount, the chase amount and my primary, at modern interest rates, I would not have a problem making the payments, but I can’t because my credit is shot, and my credit is shot because I can’t make payments on the Chase and some other cards.

There are times when I wish I would have just died in prison.  The business is healthy now, but my personal finance situation is a mess.  So I don’t know what to do.  JP Morgan was the downfall of Tesla and it looks like he’s going to make my life miserable from the grave.

In my absence my wife had made arrangements and payments to Chase, but they reneged and $8,000 she paid them never got credited to our account, we don’t know where the hell it went.

I guess the moral of the story is read and understand or don’t sign.  And don’t get mentally ill (like anybody would choose what I went through).

An even bigger moral is stay right with God, because the whole cause of the severe anxiety I had was not being right with God and believing I was going to die and go to hell any moment.  Well, at least that is something I don’t live with anymore.

And although this mess is still far from worked out, I’ve seen enough things which seemed impossible solved by God’s grace that I know, if it’s his will, it’s possible.  What I don’t know is, if it’s his will.  I know I am still far from spiritual maturity, and maybe a lot more pain is still in the works to get there.  And I guess that’s what I stress out the most about.  Really not knowing what I’m still going to have to be dragged through.  But at least I know whatever it is now, I won’t be dragged through alone.

Violent Dream

Last night’s sleep was disturbed, violent dream where I was making some kind of device, a square box about 12 x 20 inches capable of displaying 3d images.

A group of thugs, I thought of them as land pirates, broke in intending to off me and my family and steal the devices.

I had a shotgun, blasted one straight in the face as he came through the doorway.  It was quiet, no movement.  The others were waiting for me in the hall, not wanting to be met with the same treatment in the doorway.

I reloaded and dived into the hall, firing down in their direction as I passed through the doorway.

I think I feel asleep listening to gun control arguments on the radio.