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Feeling down tonight, even fun music like Don Henley Must Die is only marginally helping.  Feeling down about being old, not sure if I’m ever going to fully recover from the past six years of my life.  I’m past my peak and the slope is getting steeper downward on the other side.

After my father left, when I was around ten, I really didn’t feel like I had a family any more.

Years later, after all four of my kids were born, I felt like I had a real family again but by the time the youngest was born, the oldest was already more than ten years old and I knew my family as being altogether would be short-lived.  Now two aren’t speaking to me, only one is still here, unemployed at 24, and he really avoids participating in anything but video games.  I know this is a self-inflicted wound.  Time wounds all heals, and this heal seems to be wounded to stay.

I feel old, empty, used up, and without much to look forward to.  Things that used to come easy now are really a strain to keep up with.  I was hoping things would seem better after I was done with community custody, but it seems now that I can go somewhere I’ve got no money to get there and really no reason to go.

I’m being public with this because, well for one secrets only got me in trouble, and two, I’ve got to think others have been in this state and some through it, which is to say they’ve found a way out, and I’m praying but so far this is a prayer that is going unanswered.  I’m sure there is a lesson in it somewhere and I’m just not getting it, like the can’t get home dreams.

Anyway, for your amusement and enjoyment, here is Mojo Nixon with Don Henley must Die (I really don’t like Don Henley’s music so while death seems a bit harsh, if I never heard Hotel California again, it would be too soon).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=eEet3RwQnaY

     Went to The Rock in Lynnwood last night.  Pizza is still good after six years, but over-priced, $21 for a 17-inch pizza seemed a bit excessive.  Yummy Moza bread.  Had one drink, a Kamakazi, used to love them but it didn’t really agree with me last night.  With me where Carl, my first son, Raymond my second youngest, my wife Tina, and Troy, a friend of Carl’s.

     Took some pictures but all were grossly under-exposed, couldn’t figure out how to get the exposure meter to work on the camera I have, camera I had before was a point-in-shoot, pretty much automatic, this one decidedly more manual.

This is an outside view:

     My wife Tina:

Troy, Carls Friend:

     KOMO News has opted to turn off comments, with a note that they always value our opinions (Ha, as long as we don’t disagree with them that is).  You always know you’re not getting ALL of the news when they make sure there is no way for a third party to offer more details, that might be relevant, and possibly conflict with the news sources opinions.

     Had another can’t get home because car is impounded dream.  I am really beginning to hate these.  I know my subconscious is screaming at me to pay attention to something I’m ignoring or not getting and the frequency of these would suggest a degree of urgency.

     In this dream, they had moved my car to an impound lot near my home and suggested I call my wife to come get me.  We only have one car so no way she could do that.

Went down to Edmonds Marine View Park Beach today just to see the water front again because I could.  Was kind of hoping for a colourful sunset but it was not to be.  Still getting the hang of this camera so under-exposed nearly all the pictures.  Oh well, live and learn.

     I signed my release papers today.  I’m kind of free.  Until the court processes the paper work, I still can’t leave the country without a court order, but at least I can leave the county, or travel out of state.  I can’t relocate to another state without first getting permission.

     Even after the court processes the paperwork, I probably won’t be able to own firearms (no big deal since I never have) or vote (bigger deal, because, even though I know my vote will be swamped by bought votes, it’s still symbolic).  Because I’ve got a no-contact order, apparently that may hold the case open and make getting my voting rights back difficult to impossible.  It all comes down to having money for attorneys, which I don’t.  The rich and the poor live by two entirely different sets of rules in this country.  Gotta love it.

     Well, at least I can travel within the states where I want to, don’t have to avoid minors and feel like some kind of leper, don’t have to go sit in an office for an hour to report in to a community corrections officer, or have my house regularly invaded by same.  I get to use whatever computer sites I choose to now, can use IRC, peer-to-peer, and some social media sites that I previously was restricted from.

     Woke up about 3AM out of a nightmare involving our dog, Mei.  She was throwing up something resembling bloody turds.  In the dream this was late at night about the same time the dream was occurring.  My wife works nights and so had the car.  I tried to call her but she didn’t answer her phone, and so I tried to call my oldest son and just got voice mail on his phone.  I left a voice message saying we had to get her to an pet emergency hospital, then I woke up.

     Then later I had a dream, I was in high school watching a basket ball game.  A tall lanky black kid who had been the team star was struggling.  He had injured himself and wasn’t recovering well.

     Today I go into sign my release papers from community custody.  I think this dream is a fear on my part that I won’t be able to get back into my own game fully even after my freedoms are restored.  A fear that maybe I’m too old and no longer have the mental capacity to just “get it” any more.

     I’m about thirteen hours away from no longer being under community custody.  Go in to sign my release paperwork tomorrow.  I’m a little bit nervous, afraid they’ll try to make me sign some of my rights away by agreeing to things that are neither required by law or reasonable.  I’m hoping that’s not the case and it all goes smoothly.

     I’ll be celebrating Friday evening at The Rock in Lynnwood.  It is my favourite pizza place and I haven’t been able to go there for six years.  Wish all of my family could be there to celebrate with me but unfortunately that’s not the case.  I plan to arrive between around 7-8pm, depends somewhat on when my oldest son gets off work.  How long I stay depends on who all shows up.

Lynnwood Rock
4010 196th Street SW
Lynnwood, WA 98036
Hours: 11:30am – midnight
Manager: Martin McAuliff
425.697.6007

Two days until I go in and sign my release papers from community custody.  Looking forward to not having all the restrictions on my life I’ve had to deal with over the past three years, in particular the ability to travel outside of King County without getting permission first, the ability to go to public places where there might be children.  Looking forward to seeing the Puyallup Fair again, and my Father, if he wants to see me.