Tonight I went to bed at 10pm but got back up at midnight because the pain in my legs is excruciating and I can’t stand it.  It is plain burning tonight, not the usual allodynia, and usually gabapentin takes care of this kind of pain but not tonight.

     Now that I’ve been up an hour, my lower back is on fire as well.  I’m trying to use the mindfulness meditation techniques I’ve learned to try to get myself from an emotional mind state to a wise mind state but this pain is so intense it grabs my attention, yanks me back into the emotional mind, and my emotional mind is screaming put the damned fire out already!

    There is a lot in this image that fascinates me: Waves in the clouds, near the top they are visible on the left and from the middle to about three quarters across, waves that are vertical relative to the image. Near the bottom of the cloud structure, near the center, waves that are horizontal relative to the image.  Waves on the Puget Sound, appearing more random and less structured. Mountains which seem to have a fractal nature.

     Please notice, on the right, sign that says, “Dogs Are Not Allowed”, and on the left, I’m pretty sure that there is a dog.

https://youtu.be/eVM1nUmDHHc

     Lately, I have remembered very few of my dreams.  Last night, I had a very strange dream.  I had quite a lot of pain last night but did not turn to marijuana for relief, perhaps that is why I remembered this dream.

     In this dream I lived not far from a small lake.  Where I lived was itself part of the weirdness.  It was like an apartment building with some shared common area that everyone could use.  It was build really open.  I could see the lake somewhat from where I lived, there were buildings between myself and the lake that partially obscured my view.

     Lights had been seen over the lake at night.  I wouldn’t call them UFO’s because they had no discernible size or shape, they appeared as point sources of white light that would kind of drift about before extinguishing.

     Some friends and I, nobody I know in this waking life, decided to try to photograph these lights.  There was an abandoned medical lab that faced the lake and had a clear view of it and a cement loading dock that we thought would be a good place to setup tripods at night and photograph these lights.

     I took a few pictures and then one friend insisted we go down to the lake.  I went and as I arrived one of these lights went right by me.  They would float by and then just kind of fade out and disappear.

     There was a structure like decks off an apartment without an apartment and ladders to access the upper floors.  These were built for people who wanted to stay late or overnight to observe the light.  It had become quite a draw.  There were tables on the shore where people would sit and play cards as these lights would float through the air by them and disappear.

     My friends had reserved one of these decks for the night and stashed a bunch of junk food there so we’d have something to munch on while we watched and photographed these lights.

     These lights were too small to be craft, appeared as point sources even close up.  They appeared to have some interest in humans, as if they were as curious about us as we about them.

     Tonight is one of those nights where nothing will stop the pain.  My nerves just laugh at all the drugs I throw at them.  Right now particularly my legs and feet are killing me.  I’ve come in here to sit in front of the electric space heater cranked up full and blowing against my legs because it is somehow soothing and my nerves quiet down.

     Another out of context blurb much like the earlier vision but this was auditory, said, “50,000 watts”, perhaps a reference to an AM clear channel radio station as they are all maximum power for AM which is 50,000 watts.  Don’t know, like the earlier wood plan vision, no context.

     Must be all the drugs.  Or maybe the lack of sleep is bringing me to the verge of hallucinations.

     The pills the doctors give me are like the ones that mother gives you, they don’t do anything at all.  Well not entirely true, gabapentin does knock down the static burning, that is the burning I feel in places moving or not, but it does not help with the allodynia, and last night a lot of general pain all over.

     Back to the doctor tomorrow to discuss what to do about blood glucose still too high.  No hope of getting this nerve pain under control without first addressing the cause, my diabetes, in full.

     Strange, I just had this vision flash into my head.  It was wood with a badly blistered gray/white paint.  Where the wood was exposed by the paint blisters it had moss or mold or something growing on it.  Didn’t see the context, don’t know if it was a single plank or the siding of a house.  It feels like the latter.  No idea the significance.

     Just finished watching episode 25 of season 5, entitled, “The Inner Light”.  Re-watching actually.

     What excellent writing on this episode.  Really makes me think about my past, people from my past that are now gone, and eventually so will I be, and then what?

     I don’t understand why we live these transient lives on our way to eternity.

     What I wouldn’t give for a chance to return to the past when my daughter and youngest son still talked to me.  Or to a time when I wasn’t in constant physical pain.

     Though I suppose the physical pain is more tolerable than the anxiety I used to suffer from.

     I am 57 and still trying to understand what it is God has for me to do here on this planet.  Right now I’m feeling a sense of great loss and bewilderment.